As sexy as the thought of having sex with a really drunk and obnoxiously loud person in the urine-soaked bathroom of the worst kind of bar you're likely to go to. And they probably play Nickelback all the time.
A Finnish sex comedy with bad sex, bad acting, bad film-making in general and some of the most idiotic dialogue ever put on film, it's a must see for anyone whose hobbies include masochism and losing a lot of brain cells.
Talk about misleading. Zombie Lake starts off with a camera having sex with a naked woman who later gets eaten by bad makeup effects in Nazi uniforms. Then it spirals into a world of tedium so horrific that you feel the greatest moment of relief in your life when it's over.
Sounds really awesome, but for the love of anything that's good in this world, don't watch this. I seriously thought I was becoming dumber every second that went. By the end I just hated myself for watching this badly made atrocity.
Like watching a bad Playstation game with a horrendous plot, horrible action sequences and dragons with such great CGI quality that you could probably fart out a better-looking reptile with Blender in five minutes while sleeping.
At least Jeremy Irons seemed to enjoy every second he is on screen.
Called the sickest, foulest and most horrifying film ever created, it's also the dullest, most artsy-fartsy and over-analysed film I've ever seen. This is just an empty shell, really. Maybe it's supposed to portray itself as an empty shell, but this just has nothing to it. It tries too hard to be cruel toward the viewer by shoving atrocity after another. After a while I got so dulled by it all that I didn't really care about the film in any way.
This is not a war film. This is a really tame action film that just happens to be set in a war zone. This could have been an okay film, but when the other party of the war you're portraying gives you access to their military equipment, you will know what's in store. I don't think I've seen anything that has more propaganda than this in a really long time. This is not just crap, it's also disgusting, over-simplifying and irresponsible.
Reb Brown saves the universe by screaming like a little girl, rides a boxcar, shoots lasers and looks like an idiot while on screen. There's a plot about a mutiny or whatever but it's so bad you want to cry.
Caroline Munro in what could possibly be the sexiest sci-fi-film outfit ever made, an evangelist turned b-movie actor fighting with a lightsaber, David Hasselhoff, a holographic Christopher Plummer, golden space pods that look like giant dildos, an epic score by none other than the late great John Barry... What could possibly go wrong?
Everything in between the first 15 minutes and the last 15 minutes.
Look, I'm a huge Prince fan. It pains me to say this...
No, it doesn't.
Graffiti Bridge is phenomenally bad. This garbage takes itself so seriously, the art direction is horrible, the screenplay is so terrible that even Madonna turned it away... I could go on and on.
The only reason this film isn't a half-star atrocity is the music. Along with the Symbol Album and The Gold Experience, it's his best music of the 90's. That alone though doesn't keep the film from being an utter disaster.
This really had a lot of potential. The idea is really fantastic and it provides so much material to work with and you could really let your imagination fly.
So, what happened?
Sidney Lumet as the completely out of place director, Diana Ross looking constipated in probably every scene, set decoration that balances between genius and infernal, phenomenally forgettable music, unbelievably joyless editing and cinematography and a mess of a screenplay written by the man who broke the Bat with his directing abilities.
The actors do try from time to time, but in the end this is a fucking slow, long and dull piece of excrement.
This might very well be the worst film Sly Stallone has ever been in. The screenplay is masterfully infuriating, the acting maddeningly stiff and the film does not know where its morals lie. If boiling blood and broken veins inside your skull is your thing, this is a masterpiece.
For me, it's a piece of shit.
Tom Henry's rating:
On this list I give you the very worst films I've ever seen. You have been warned.