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Added by the giraffe on 21 Sep 2011 07:33
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Stop ruining my childhood jerks!

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George Lucas vs. Star Wars

A short time ago in a galaxy not so far away, there was only one Star Wars trilogy. As a child, I never even noticed or cared that they were labeled episodes IV-VI & I spent so much time with these films (especially Star Wars since it was the only one we owned on VHS) that I knew they were a complete story.

Later, George Lucas would re-release them to theatres as "special editions" with new added footage that he couldn't work in the first time around. And thus these films began to change. The first changes were acceptable enough, as they were pretty minor.

But then he made 3 more Star Wars movies, none of which come anywhere near the greatness of the original trilogy. I suppose episodes I-III are entertaining enough if you're willing to shut your brain off, but they lack the heart and overall care that the originals display from start to finish. The prequels would eventually lead to George Lucas further altering the original trilogy, the worst choice being to CGI Hayden Christiansen into the end of Return of the Jedi.

NOW, Lucas plans to re-release all 6 episodes...this time in 3-D (the most overrated technology ever...I'm guessing he just wants the upcharge on the tickets). I can only imagine the horror this will be, so you can rest assured I won't be going to the theatre to watch any of them. I'm done supporting his alterations of an already perfect trilogy, alterations which serve only to chip away at my original experience. Can't he find an original idea to waste his energies on? Oh wait, no, he'd rather keep screwing with what he's already done just to keep the money pouring in. Jerk.
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Michael Bay vs. TransFormers

Admittedly I probably have little reason to complain since I refuse to watch any of Michael Bay's Transformers movies. But I will anyway.

As someone who grew up watching & loving the original animated series, TransFormers remains very close to my heart. I've watched the bulk of the series, saw TransFormers: The Movie countless times, had a bunch of the toys, etc. It was my favorite TV show during my childhood, and it's held up well in the years that have followed.

Then suddenly it's decided we need new live-action movies based off the series, and the horrible Michael Bay slides into the director's chair. Gah. Add to that a bunch of character redesigns (worst of all being Megatron transforming into a jet instead of a gun) and a cast full of terrible actors, and you've lost my interest as well as any respect you might have earned from me had the live-action films been done right.

Now the whole thing is a franchise series that will probably wind up better known than the animated series that spawned it. Sigh.
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Michael Bay vs. TMNT

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was one of my favorite TV shows when I was a kid. I went to see the first 2 films in theatres on their respective opening weekends (thanks Dad!), and I read as many of the comic books as I could afford to pick up. I was so in love with TMNT that I had to have as many of the toys as possible as well, and up until they started making a million variations of the 4 turtles I had every character there was.

For some crazy reason, the upcoming TMNT movie has been handed over to Platinum Dunes & Michael Bay. According to an article I just read, Bay intends to do away with the turtles being mutants and will make them aliens instead. Which I guess means the title will be changed to Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles? Sigh. Hopefully this won't stick, but for now it has guaranteed I won't watch this abomination.
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Platinum Dunes vs. Horror

Below you will see the horror films that Platinum Dunes either has already re-made, or soon plans to. I have no interest in unnecessary remakes, but it seems like they're what this production company trades on. And when people conspire together to create a long string of unnecessary remakes, my only conclusion is that they're all greedheads with no respect for the art they're sucking the life out of.
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All involved parties vs. Indiana Jones

The Indiana Jones series was perfectly fine as a trilogy. Like most people, however, once a 4th installment was in the can & on its way to theatres I decided I had to watch it. And what I got was one of the worst films I've ever seen.

I could go on and on about it, but instead I'll send you to a pair of reviews that sum up the majority of my feelings about it: "Let's just call it a trilogy" and "Adventurism gone mad!"

To the above reviews, I will add that Shia LeBeouf ruins every scene he's in by trying to be more of a movie star than he actually is (and no way in hell do I believe that he of all people could be Indy's son), Cate Blanchett's performance is so wooden and lifeless it makes me question my appreciation for her talents as an actress, and the fact that it took them over a decade to work out a script that everyone would commit to (a script which underwent a slew of rewrites) should have been a sign that this would be an epic fail.

I still wish I'd walked out like I wanted to after the nuking the fridge scene.
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Roland Emmerich & Dean Devlin vs. Godzilla

Contributed by Pumpkinate
What did Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich do wrong with this movie? I mean, certainly they were the right fit for an adaptation of, and I QUOTE, "the hokey Japanese versions... of men-in-suits and bad models, a kind of dinosaur hybrid who lumbers about in a semi-comical fashion trashing Lego buildings..." As anyone who doesn't take that statement with a grain of salt will surmise, clearly there was only room to improve.

Said improvements include:

- "Godzilla" is now a mutated iguana. His chin is bigger than the entire rest of his body!
- "Godzilla" doesn't spit fire. He only defecates on a classic franchise!
- "Godzilla" goes down easy. Thus the plethora of babies he hatches. Zing!
- "Godzilla" gives birth to said babies even though he's a he. Arny, you must be proud!
- "Godzilla" is mediocre at best. No punchline here!

"Godzilla" is a average movie that might have succeeded as a monster film, but fails utterly as an official Godzilla movie. Legendary Pictures - the makers of movies like 300 and the Batman trilogy - have bought the rights to the monster and will be making a feature film with Gareth Edwards (Monsters) as director and David Goyer (Batman Begins) as writer. With so many classics to follow up on, it's wise not to be a little apprehensive, but one thing is for sure - it can only go up. Because GINO (Godzilla In Name Only) was so tiny New York's mice had to stop up holes in their walls just to keep him out. Huzzah!

UPDATED: March 19, 2012

I could also have listed all the direct-to-DVD sequels for old Disney animated films, but since none of them were released to theatres they're easier to ignore. Though I'll admit to being annoyed every time I see something like Bambi II or Cinderella III (yes that exists).

See also: Max the Movie Kid's Reasons why childhood is facing extinction list, which is full of other movies that never should have been made from old cartoons.

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the giraffe's movie lists guide (144 lists)
list by the giraffe
Published 6 years, 6 months ago 1 comment

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Posted: 6 years, 12 months ago at Sep 25 18:32
Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich Vs. Godzilla? ;]
Posted: 6 years, 12 months ago at Sep 26 18:43
@PK - Emmerich's Godzilla is definitely worthy of inclusion, but as I barely remember that dreadful film I'd be hard-pressed to do a proper write-up. If you'd like to do one for me, I'd gladly include it.
Posted: 6 years, 12 months ago at Sep 26 19:10
Alright, I'll work something up! =]
Posted: 6 years, 11 months ago at Sep 27 15:31
I saw the first Transformers, and the torture was enough to make me stay the hell away from the subsequent movies.
Posted: 6 years, 11 months ago at Sep 27 15:41
Were you a fan of G.I Joe as a kid? If so do not watch the new movie. Horrible.
Posted: 6 years, 11 months ago at Sep 27 17:57
Rise of the Cobra was, indeed, pretty bad.
Posted: 6 years, 11 months ago at Sep 28 6:36
@chris043 - I was a fan of G.I. Joe as a kid, yes, and the trailers for the new movie looked terrible so I skipped it. Glad to know I made the right choice! I mostly ignored the new movie, so I really have no comments on it otherwise it'd be on here.

I will say, however, that the recent animated G.I. Joe: Resolute was Amazing.
Posted: 6 years, 11 months ago at Sep 29 7:56
Never saw Episodes II or III. That's how bad I hated Phantom Menace. Never watched the new Indy either.

Dude if Platinum Dunes fucks up TMNT I'm not gonna be happy.

Thanks for sharing your pain with us. Together we can all get through this...
Posted: 6 years, 11 months ago at Oct 5 21:03
I fully agree with your list!

I hate Platinum Dunes!
Posted: 6 years, 11 months ago at Oct 11 8:04
Very well said our childhood is very important.
Posted: 6 years, 10 months ago at Nov 23 7:16
Son of the Mask vs. The Mask
Posted: 6 years, 9 months ago at Nov 27 9:26
When it comes to STAR WARS I do think that REVENGE OF THE SITH is better than RETURN OF THE JEDI to be honest. For me JEDI was the one that started going down the more commercial path, and the acting felt weaker (aside from Mark Hamill who I thought kept getting better and better in the films), and overall feels like a noticable step down from the previous two. I don't hate it though or any of the SW films for that matter. Like many I think there are a stronger and weaker three SW films, I just don't group them the same way. SITH felt like a return to form for me by deepening and darkening the storyline, with the cast while not the most fantastic felt a bit more committed, with even Christensen getting a bit better. And I personally think CRYSTAL SKULL is about on an even playing field with TEMPLE OF DOOM. Both definitely below RAIDERS and CRUSADE of course, but I honestly feel it's in that phase DOOM was in for years where it basically was received the same way SKULL was with the mixed to positive critical reaction but very polarizing audience reaction. Given it's less popular/well-known and very different MacGuffin, a lot of people not liking how tonally different it was (including the more gratuitous grotesque imagery), as well as the more annoying sidekicks (It's fine to like this film more, but I don't see how Mutt hurt SKULL so badly, but Willie doesn't seem to hurt this one, at least not as much as she seemed to used to when DOOM was the one that got beat on all the time), and just a bit more goofiness compared to RAIDERS. (Heck that's the whole reason they clearly tried to make CRUSADE more like RAIDERS tonally and bring in some more familiar faces from that film, as well as a return to the Nazi antagonists) It's all opinion of course but that's how I feel on the subject of those films. I personally don't think the Prequel Trilogy and CRYSTAL SKULL are as bad as they are made out to be. Sorry if it seemed like I was ranting at you.

I definitely agree with you on GODZILLA. Not much to say on it really besides that it wasn't good (And FINAL WARS even makes fun of it in an amusing way) And I'll be honest that I have not really checked out most of the Platinum Dunes remakes. I mean considering some of the sequels those films got, I wonder how terrible they are in comparison to them. For instance I liked the remake of HALLOWEEN which gets a lot of flack more than many of the weaker sequels in that franchise.

The one I most whole heartedly agree with is Bay and Transformers. Personally that to me is what I hear a lot of people say the SW Prequel Trilogy is. They are just shallow and special effects driven (and to be fair the effects are pretty damn good), poorly acted (though I do think Shia Labeouf is entertaining enough given the material, and I in general like him as an actor. Not sure why he gets picked on so much), and just have way too much juvenile humor in them (humping dogs, Devestator genetilia, etc). Not to mention that they give way too much more attention to the humans than the Transformers themselves. I'll be honest that I just couldn't get myself to see the third one.

You mention Disney sequels in the opening synopsis, and yeah and most of them are pretty darn terrible. (I mean seriously, did something like FOX AND THE HOUND warrant a follow-up) The only ones I really like being the ALADDIN sequels and LION KING 2.
Posted: 6 years, 8 months ago at Jan 9 18:44
Good list, I can't defend any of these franchises. It has been especially sad watching Lucas transform from the "Movie Genius" of my childhood to the transparent "Money Grabbing Hack" he has become. Funny how the less influence Lucas had in the Star Wars series (as in early on), the better it actually was!
Posted: 6 years, 7 months ago at Jan 28 7:39
Jackass Lucas better not mess with Indy, bad enough they changed Raiders to Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
Posted: 6 years, 6 months ago at Mar 19 23:34
I am deeply terrified at what platinum dunes could do with Monster Squad.
Posted: 6 years, 6 months ago at Mar 20 0:38
Fully agree. Throw in the crappy remake of Clash of the titans, Stephen Summer's GI Joe and bastardizations of the universal monsters, and all of the horrible Hannah Barbara films and you have my perfect list. lol
Posted: 6 years, 6 months ago at Mar 20 1:06
You're right about sequels and redux attepmts not living up to the original movies and shows. It's a shame Hollywood has no interest in new stories.
Posted: 6 years, 6 months ago at Mar 20 2:03
Spielberg vs Tintin, he really butchered the books I loved as a child.
All concerned parties vs Dune, look what they did to my favorite sci- fi book :(
Posted: 6 years, 6 months ago at Mar 20 3:46
@Abhi - I've heard mostly mediocre things about the Tintin film & never heard anything good about Dune, but I haven't seen the movies nor read the comic and book they're respectively adapted from. But thank you for sharing!
Posted: 6 years, 6 months ago at Mar 20 9:22
teenage alien ninja turtles lol
Posted: 6 years, 6 months ago at Mar 20 13:08
I constantly feel like my childhood is being raped.
Great list!
Posted: 6 years, 2 months ago at Jun 28 16:20
Er, you might wanna place a "comma" between childhood and jerks!
Posted: 6 years, 2 months ago at Jun 28 21:04
I agree that Lucas cheapened a great franchise with all the CGI enhancements and prequels.

The thing about Lucas is that he is great with effects technology, but can't tell a story to save his life.

It took him 3 movies to basically answer the one question every Star Wars fan wanted to know: How and why did Anakin become Darth Vader? I guess that is why we have 3 movie prequels where nothing happens. Darth Maul was the biggest disappointment of a super villian I have ever seen, After being hyped so much in the previews, he was ever so quickly done away with. And don't even get me started on Jar Jar.
Posted: 6 years, 2 months ago at Jun 29 0:58
Michael Bay vs TMNT makes me wanna cry, dude...
Posted: 6 years, 2 months ago at Jul 1 1:30
Great list, and I agree completely. I believe Hollywood has lost all it's good ideas, and creations. They have to butcher things that were good as is, and ruin things we have come to love over the years. And for what? Because they want a pretty penny from it? And their lack of creativity stops them from making anything new that is worth while.
Posted: 6 years ago at Sep 15 18:11
Awesome list!
Posted: 5 years, 2 months ago at Jul 22 20:22
Agreed with almost everything, but.... I think Platinum Dunes is producing the beast horror re-makes that have ever been made. I may be young, but I enjoy classic horror films. However, I found the TCM and F13 remakes to be better than the originals, and at least they stayed mostly true to them. I can't say I was impressed by the Hitcher re-make though. I also enjoyed the new ANOES, but it's not as good as the others.

Also, Godzilla (1998) is a guilty pleasure of mine and probably my favorite movie as a kid, so I go a little easier on it than most people do.

Other than that, totally agreed on everything else.
Posted: 4 years ago at Sep 15 0:45
What about the Doctor Seuss movies and Universal?
Posted: 4 years ago at Sep 15 4:41
@Monstermaster - I'm 50/50 on the Dr. Seuss movies. I enjoyed both The Grinch and Horton for the most part. The Lorax had moments but was definitely a mess & awful compared to the book. And as for The Cat in the Hat, well, I refuse to watch it.

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