6.7 01. Nicolas Cage
Reasons to hate Nic Cage:
A greasy, Muppet look-a-like, Nic Cage is one of the most detrimental forces to the human race, only outdone by Super Aids and way outranking global warming, malaria, and famine.
Face off, National Treasure, Gone in 60 Seconds and Next are just a few of the examples of why Nic Cage has more Turkeys than Thanks Giving. Despite having a voice like an accordion and being built like a baby giraffe, Cage thinks he can play action heroes and has vowed to one day play Superman. Just a step before his life goal of becoming Superman.
Cage has a collection of giant snakes, which he likes to sit a watch in a custom designed room. He believes he used to be a snake in a past life and has been quoted as saying:
"I'm always amazed when I have an X-ray and the doc doesn't find I have 8 more ribs than I should have and green blood."
He only won his fame though uncle Francis Ford Coppela and is responsible for the single worst performance in the history of man in his take on Edward Malus in the remake of The Wicker man.
"Argh no, not the bees!! NOT THE BEEEEEEEES!! AROOOOOO"
5.5 02. Michael Winner
Michael Winner directed a few movies back when the video camera was invented, they are awful, and nobody remembers them, despite this he thinks he is a high flying, media mogul.
Winner used his natural prickishness to become a restaurant critic, after a life of writing small clippits of self-affirming tripe, that again, nobody read, the Queen decided to award him an MBE. I believe this is due to that fact he speaks in the ultra-high class, aristocratic 'English accent' that is only spoken by the Queen and the fawning array of tabloid hungry butlers that follow the royal family around, then claim they slept with Diana.
In a move of utter arrogance, Winner turned down the MBE, claiming he didn't want to be Knighted alongside a public servant and a banker, stating that MBEs were awarded to "Bin men and lollipop ladies", he of course was above this.
As he sunk even lower than Dean Gaffney and Jordan, into D-list celeb obscurity. Winner decided he would turn his directing 'talents' to creating the most amateur adverts ever put on British TV.
7.4 03. Keira Knightley
Keira Knightly is consistently voted the sexiest actress on earth, I can only assume this is because every single one of these polls is filtered through the paedophile wing of a prison. We all must agree that Keira Knightly is in fact an 8-year old boy.
People seem blind to her limitation and cast her in the most unfitting of roles, Keira Knightly is as well suited to playing the pirate king is as Michael Clarke Duncan is to the role of the little orphan Annie.
KK is a prime example of when acting is mistaken as the same thing as reading. Like a 10-year old narrator at a school nativity play, she seems to frigidly and impassively stare at the screen, delivering line after dispassionate line, in a conveyabelt of misanthropy. To make matters worse, she seems to think any line that requires the smallest amount of seriousness, needs to be delivered through the bottom teeth of a stiff jaw.
VIDEO EVIDENCE: Look at that jaw go!
6.7 04. Julia Roberts
Author J.K Rowling invented a wraith-like, dark creature called the Dementor, which sucks all the hope and joy from a person, leaving them an empty husk of a being with no soul....Robert's lawyers are currently suing Rowling for identity theft. Julia Roberts is a dementor, no actor can act to their full potential around her, and no movie with her in will ever be great. Roberts creates a notable deficit in talent and joy in any area of the screen in which she inhabits. In fact, movies with her in usually only work when there are a wealth of other talented actors, holding the whole thing up. Julia Roberts was dull and vapid in comparison to the other characters in Ocean's 11, the scenes with Roberts were luckily not that common, although those with her took a definite nose dive.
Robin William's nearly had his named sullied in Hook, with her unconvincing performance as Tinkerbell, the scene in which Pan jumps off the cliff to learn to fly was actually an attempt at suicide, which was thankfully thwarted by Dustin Hoffman's acting skills.
Described as “Hollywood’s toothiest lead performer since the shark in Jaws”, Roberts thinks that acting means looking sadly at the camera like an orphan puppy. I hate her, her big face and the fact she has carved her place as the delicate and innocent, jewel of Hollywood. If they want that, put a Fabergé egg in the role, it will be better looking and won't suck the last remnant of joy out of George Clooney.
6.5 05. Matthew McConaughey
I sometimes feel personally isolated from the rest of the world, when McConaughey is called sexy. Magazines and fan groups everywhere use misguided adjectives such as 'hunky' and 'hot' to describe a man that, too me, looks like an upturned mop.
Macco has one good performance, in the film 'Time to Kill', since then however, he has felt the need to get his top off in every film. Macco seems to have entirely given up even trying to deliver any sort of quality performance.
Some of his disastrous flops include:
- How to loose a guy in 10 days
- Fool's Gold
- The Wedding Planner and
- Failure to Launch.
7.6 06. Jake Gyllenhaal
Flaccid and deeply unappealing, Gylenhaal has cut his niche in Hollywood as the alternative and deep, emo teen. See GA's RENT-AN-ACTOR LIST. He put it better than I ever could:
"We get the point, you're the flagship of the Myspace generation!"
Gyllenhaal was created when a pile of random genetic material, bonded with a weary sigh. He's also been in so many bad films, it's amazing he is still in demand.
I would put him much higher, but I feel somewhat sorry for him because of the hordes of Nazi-Christian groups who are trying to kill him because of Brokeback mountain.
6.1 07. Ben Affleck
No hoper, druggie and part of the notorious team Bennifer. Affleck has absolutely no talent AT ALL, the only way he will ever have an ounce of talent in his body is if he rolled up and smoked the ashes of James Dean, and then the effects would still be unnoticeable beneath the constant waves of unfounded arrogance which are released from his very pours.
I won't even waste time giving an arguement about how much I hate him, I'll let his filmography do the talking.
- Pearl Harbour
- The Sum of All Fears
- Changing Lanes
5.6 08. Jennifer Lopez
Not content enough to ruin the music industry, J-Lo decided to ruin film too, and in her spare time turn an already paper-thin talent, Ben Affleck into a completely intolerable monster.
EVERY FILM WITH LOPEZ IN IS UNDENIABLE, A-GRADE, BILGE. You can't sing, you can't act and you look like a leather handbag that's been fused to and peeled off a radiator. Again, I have to mention Gigli, which has been voted as the unquestionable worst film of all time on many occasions, I include snuff movies and Disney straight to DVD in that!
I'm not scared by the rocks that you've got Jenny, I'm scared at the level of ineptitude and loathsomeness that the species is capable of reaching, of which you daily remind me. I would drown J-Lo but her painted face and poisoned body would do more damage to the sea than a fleet of wrecked oil tankers.
6.7 09. Orlando Bloom
Orlando Bloom is always cast as the dead wood....surely there is a point where the casting director should just pop to B&Q and buy a bloody 4 by 2 instead.
Nobody on earth can give an example of a sterling performance of OB's, mainly because he actually was swapped at birth with a beech wardrobe.
7.4 010. Jude Law
We get it Jude, you're a sexy, young, metrosexual. I won't say Jude Law is a bad actor, he just chooses the most unfitting of roles. Every movement of Law's is so snake like, you can almost hear him hiss between words.
Love, Honour and Obey is one of my favourite films, but it would have been so much better without Jude Law. His sensitive/new man air just has no place in a gangster flick.
Jude Law has tried to play a notorious, womanising wide boy, a hardened gangster, and a unfaithful professional with a dead soul. None of these performances were at all believable, as Law cannot shake that look like he wants to go off, slip into some skinny jeans and write a poem about how flowers sometimes make him cry.
Jude Law could be good, if he would just accept that he isn't Danny Dyer.
6.4 011. Adam Sandler
This man's laugh makes me want to punch him in the face. This man's films make me want to punch him in the face in fact, this man's face makes me want to punch him in the face.
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