Dav1d's Most Memorable TV Comedy Lines
395 8.3 8.51. Black Books (2000)
Bernard: I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.
- The Fixer
Bernard: [To Fran] You! What did you say to Kate? She thinks I'm the Renaissance. She'll think I've lied! I've had to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff. She's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm just a reclusive wanker!
-- The Entertainer
Manny: I'm a prostitute robot from the future!
--- Grapes of Wrath
Manny: There's the elephant. He's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino. Look in the alligator's mouth.
Manny, Bernard:It's not there either.
Manny: Ohhhh... the monkey's got it in the tree!
Manny, Bernard: He brings it back. They all drink lemonade. The end.
----Elephants And Hens
2112 7.3 8.92. Seinfeld (1990)
Kramer:I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath!
Kramer:It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.
- The Shower Head
Kramer: [after having seen a naked woman across the street, he enters his apartment and exits 30 seconds later with a wad of cash] I'm out!
-- The Contest
4614 8.1 8.73. The Simpsons (1989)
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter?
Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain.
Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
-Secrets of a Successful Marriage
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: [sarcastic voice] Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!
[walks out, slams the door, then sticks his head back in]
Homer: Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, du'uh.
1462 7.9 9.24. Arrested Development (2003)
Tobias: Don't leave your uncle T-Bag hanging.
-Storming the Castle
Tobias: Are you calling me a coward?
Warden Stefan Gentles: There's only one man I've ever called a coward, and that's Brian Doyle Murray. No, what I'm calling you is a television actor.
Gob: Yeah, the guy in the $3,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on.
Lucille: Did that Mexican girlfriend of yours kick you out?
Gob: She's not "that" Mexican, Mom, she's "my" Mexican And she's Columbian or something.
3030 7.5 8.75. Futurama (1999)
Captain Zapp Brannigan: That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.
-War Is the H-Word
Bender: Those morons. I said teaberry not sandalwood
Fry: Okay, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?
Dr. Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me.
Fry: No, tell her she's special.
Dr. Zoidberg: But she's not, she's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.
Fry: Well, tell her that. And then?
Dr. Zoidberg: Then mating.
Fry: No, make up some feelings and tell her you have them.
[Dr. Zoidberg raises his hand]
Dr. Zoidberg: Is desire to mate a feeling?
Fry: Ugh, you're not even trying.
Dr. Zoidberg: Ohhh, it's all so complicated, with the flowers, and the romance, and the lies upon lies.
---Why Must I Be a Crustacean In Love
2401 7.2 8.16. That '70s Show (1998)
-Just about, every episode
Eric: You know Donna, I'm not surprised you're in my bed. I knew you couldn't resist me any longer.
Donna: No I couldn't. I want you. I need you.
Eric: Well, I never turn down a woman in need.
[wraps his arms around her]
Donna: You know, being here in you bed. On your... SpiderMan sheets. Makes me feel so Ready, so Willing.
Eric: Then call me Able.
Eric: Oh, a little mood music.
[turns on a clock radio. Romantic music about a dream plays while he kisses her]
Eric: [dissolve to Eric waking up alone in his bed] Damn.
Donna: [off camera] What's wrong?
Eric: [Eric screams] Aggh!
[Eric sees the real Donna kneeling next to his bed]
Eric: I mean... hey baby!
Donna: Jackie, I went on the pill.
Jackie: Oh, my God. You are going to be so popular.
3265 7.4 8.97. South Park (1997)
Satan: And NOW know this: It's a costume party, so you have to wear a costume. BUT... nobody better show up as The Crow! I'm serious.
Every costume party there's like fourteen guys come dressed like the Crow 'cause they wanna look hot and hook up. It's lame! If you come dressed as the Crow, you're NOT GETTING IN to the party!
-Hell on Earth 2006
2910 7.4 8.58. Scrubs (2001)
Dr. Cox: The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body.
Dr. Cox: Do you understand the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.
Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls.
-My Sacrificial Clam
J.D.: This, this isn't like being a janitor, okay! It's not just like something everybody can do.
Janitor: Oh. So you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours?
Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor?
J.D.: I don't know... the... rough side of a sponge?
J.D.: I just Marcia Brady'd your ass.
Turk: What the hell are you talking about?
J.D.: Like in the episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia gets Jan a job, then Marcia gets fired cos they like Jan better...
Turk: Season 5, Episode 3, Marcia gets creamed. Don't ever question me on the Bunch.
---My Fruit Cups
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