Added by The Flagship

on 7 Jan 2009 04:28

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6.7

1. Juliette Lewis

Juliette first burst onto our screen as an annoying kid who was perpetually embarrassed by her (legendary) fathers' festive antics. Now she wont go away, and what's worse is that she's even started an 'angry girl' band and walks around carrying sandbags of attitude with her wherever she goes. Not to mention the fact that she's always naked - which is probably some form of protest.

Love Interest:
Strange Days

The Flagship's rating:

6.6

2. Emily Mortimer

I've detested Emily Mortimer ever since I saw her gaunt, masculine frame failing to portray a deadly assassin in 51st State. The poor girl obviously can't act and has a face like a smug school bully to go with it. Great love interest fodder then! *SIGH*

Love Interest:
The 51st State

The Flagship's rating:

6.9

3. Jamie Lee Curtis

I have a 'mate' who will have sex with anyone or anything at the drop of a hat. Just to prove how sexually deviant he is, he even said he fancied Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies! The rest of us however couldn't see past the Hitler hairdo and probable penis.

Love Interest:
True Lies

The Flagship's rating:

7.2

4. Gong Li

I probably wouldn't have noticed Gong Li's strange androgynous features had it not been for the fact that Michael Mann deemed it appropriate to dedicate NINETY PERCENT of Miami Vice to her. I had no other choice but to entertain myself throughout this unconvincing love affair by picking out the flaws of others. Not aided by the fact that her English isn't really up to scratch. Jog on, Mann.

Love Interest:
Miami Vice

The Flagship's rating:

5.9

5. Calista Flockhart

Poor old Harrison must see some sort of charismatic and rich personality trait in this young boy, but I guess that's his secret, and his alone. Even the least charitable amongst us would try and buy her a sandwich if we passed her on the street.

Love Interest:
The Birdcage

The Flagship's rating:

5.8

6. Kelly McGillis

Is it any wonder that Top Gun was dripping with so much gay innuendo, when the leading lady dressed like a bloke throughout and applied her make up with a trowel? I'd take Iceman any day. In fact I'd rather have sex with the plane.

Love Interest:
Top Gun

6.4

7. Renée Zellweger

Renee, is like marmite. Some argue that she's hot, some disagree. But what everyone can agree on is that she looks like she's accidentally washed her face with a wasps nest instead of a flannel. Easy mistake I guess.

Love Interest:
Me, Myself & Irene

The Flagship's rating:

6.5

8. Helen Hunt

So weird looking, such a big forehead, so obviously not a convincing love interest!

Love Interest:
Twister

The Flagship's rating:

6.7

9. Julia Roberts

At one point, Julia was the highest paid female actress in Hollywood. Fair enough, there's not many about, but rumours that she made a quick buck as the jaw-double for Rocky Balboa are unfounded. Maybe she'd be all right if she didn't have a face as serious as the Nuremburg war crime tribunals.

Love Interest:
Ocean's Eleven
Closer
Pretty Woman
Notting Hill

The Flagship's rating:

6.7

10. Jennifer Garner

Jennifer Garner is just a younger version of Julia Roberts, no questions asked. Except she can act even less well.

Love Interest:
Daredevil
Dude, I don't give a shit

The Flagship's rating:

11. Sandra Oh

More like... Sandra OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE. She looks like a man with a wig on, only that man's face has started evaporating and the wig has melted into one single serpentine strand of hair. I know, let's use her as a our principal love interest!

Love Interest:
Sideways

The Flagship's rating:

7.5

12. Julianne Moore

Julianne Moore isn't such a bad actress, but she's so masculine that she fails to convince as a leading lady. It's not the fact that she's ginger, pockmarked and bony either... It's probably the fact that she always plays doctors and intellectuals, which means that someone somewhere think this is what appeals to nerds. Well it's not!

Love Interest:
Jurassic Park: The Lost World
Assassins
The Big Lebowski
Evolution

The Flagship's rating:

6.8

13. Sarah Michelle Gellar

I just can't pinpoint it, but there is something utterly unappealing about SMG. It seems after years of being sexually repressed in Buffy she broke out onto the big screen just to prove that she could be slutty too! She's spent too long as the ultimate tom boy to pull the wool over our eyes now.

Love Interest:
Cruel Intentions

The Flagship's rating:

5.8

14. Jada Pinkett Smith

Will Smith is a great guy. Whenever you hear him do an interview you just fall in love with him yourself! An award winning musician and a heavyweight actor, he could have his pick of any woman in the world! So why does he pick Jada, who looks like she has the premature ageing disease from "Jack"? If you need further convincing that there is something wrong with Willard's taste in women, check out Jada's band 'Wicked Wisdom'. Woeful :(

Love Interest:
The Nutty Professor
Collateral

The Flagship's rating:

6.9

15. Maggie Gyllenhaal

People cheered when she replaced psycho Katie Holmes in the Batman franchise, who knew she'd be as wooden and uninteresting as her predecessor? Maggie's principal crime is looking like she's been sniffing a gram of cocaine a day since she was five years old. It'd take some pretty strong evidence to convince me that her face wasn't caving in from the centre.

Love Interest:
The Dark Knight
Secretary

The Flagship's rating:

6.7

16. Lucy Liu

1. Take one regular garden shovel
2. Stand it on the handle
3. You've just made your own Lucy Liu

Love Interest:
Lucky Number Slevin
Shanghai Noon

The Flagship's rating:

4.8

17. Sarah Jessica Parker

Hahahaha, oh my lord. Has there ever been a less convincing sweetheart? Answer: No. SJP has all the charm and finesse of a rotting animal in the heat of the midday sun. That's right, in all it's maggoty glory. I'm no palaeontologist, but I'm pretty sure this fossil is evidence of what happens when a horse mates with a simian foot.

I urge everyone to watch the film listed below, which Bruce Willis himself slated on live television (he's the lead actor in it by the way). Undoubtedly this was a cry for help for Hollywood to throw him a line when it came to love interests in future scripts.

Love Interest:
Striking Distance

The Flagship's rating:

You know, there's nothing worse than the generic and clichéd 'Man meets woman - undergoes tribulations - gets woman' dynamic that seems to be coupled with just about every Hollywood film ever made.

Well, that's what I thought anyway. However, it seems that this cliché can be made further unbearable when the studio suits cast an utterly unappealing, and frankly bewildering, female in the role of leading lady.

This list highlights some of the main offenders, who can only claim to have stimulated my retching reflex with their portrayals of primary love interests. Just what were these casting agents thinking? Each of these women have starred as the love interest - or an icon of seduction - in at least one film. There's a chance I've missed some examples out, but I hope that instead Hollywood picked up on their mistakes and made sure they never happened again.