Games for Girlfriends

234   7.7  

Even though I didn't ever take the ratings seriously, I was too afraid to let her loose on my usual server with my username. I was right to be concerned. I thought the ritual humiliation of being instantly killed over and over again would put her off of playing, but she kept at it.

It wasn't until I told her that everyone who had died was watching her hide behind a box whilst the rest of the team was dead, that she panicked and the pressure got to her.

Grand Assault's rating:

236   7.4  

I left her to her own devices with my mean machine and the whole world at her mercy one day, only to come back and find that she was boasting about clearing the first tier of levels on UT'04.

It seems all the bright colours and endless carnage struck a chord with her. I didn't have the heart to tell her that these beginners levels are about as difficult to complete as a good night's sleep.

Grand Assault's rating:

23   8.4  

I've no doubt that this game is the bane of her life, but she still made an oblique effort to be interested in it, bless her heart.

Her interest included the creativity and jumping (???) statistics of all of my players, and forcing me into buying a player with the same name as her brother.

Grand Assault's rating:

717   8.4  

To this day she claims to have put in some serious hours to Final Fantasy VII, but I barely believe a word of it. Nowadays she is more concerned with admiring the CGI versions of the characters from Advent Children.

Grand Assault's rating:

355   8.3  

She just rode the horse around all day long. She had no interest in hunting and slaying the Colossi, but instead just riding Agro around for hours at a time. She was on hand to offer me extra guilt for whenever I killed a giant though.

Grand Assault's rating:

105   8.4  

I wouldn't have recommended this game to her, but she managed to boot it up on her own and start a new game. In her own words:

'I needed to take some diazepam when I first stepped out of the elevator!'

That's right at the beginning, I assume she didn't last very long.

Grand Assault's rating:

762   8.4  

Like all girls when given the controller in a room full of boys, they feign disinterest in the GTA games. Then they find a baseball bat and the punch button and start beating ten shades out of innocent passers by.

She then went on to exhibit driving skills that were only slightly worse than her real life ability behind the wheel.

Grand Assault's rating:

98   7.6  

She has a young relative who is as annoying as losing an arm would be. He plays this game sometimes when he goes to her house. Imagine my shock when I hear him ask her to do a bit that he's stuck on.

With me watching on she folds under pressure and suggests doing something else.

Grand Assault's rating:

203   8.3  

Like anyone with a pulse, she loved the story of Max Payne. I think her stint as the much-tortured homicide cop is her most successful to date. I can't think of anything embarrassing that she did, except tell me to do the bits 'in-between the story'.

Grand Assault's rating:

825   7.8  

She loves this game, I hate it.

Grand Assault's rating: