Funniest quotes from movies

"I work in a neighborhood so bad you can get shoot while you're getting shoot"

"Mrs. Pearl I love you and i know you for a long time, you've seen a lot of things in your life, you've seen churches burn, kids bite by dogs, you've seen Malcolm X and how JFK was killed they shut up muhammad Ali they shut up richard pryor they give Magic Johnson HIV and turn Micheal Jackson white
Now do you really think this people hive a damn about you?

[in a thick French accent}
The Mask: Hello, Cherie. We meet again. Is it fate? Is it meant to be? Is it written in the stars that we are destined to fraternize?
I'd like to think so! HAHAHA

It's party time P-A-R-T-Y Why? Because i gotta!

Dorian Tyrell: Okay, Twinkle Toes. I want to know where my money is, and I want to know right now.
The Mask: Okay
[sits on stool and takes out typewriter]
The Mask: You've got 17.5% in T-bills amortized over the fiscal year, 8% in stocks and bonds. Carry the 9, divide by the Gross National Product... fortunately, funeral bouquets are deductible.

Doyle: Really big sunglasses.
Park Policeman: Bike horn.
Doyle: Small mouth bass
Park Policeman: Bowling Pin
Doyle: Mouse Trap.
Park Policeman: Rubber Chicken.
Mask: A little to the left... that's it.
Doyle: mmmm, I don't know. Funny eyeball glasses?
Mask: I've never seen those before in my life.
Park Policeman: Bazooka?
Mask: I have a permit for that.
Doyle:Picture of Kellaway's wife.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: What?
Mask: Uh-oh.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway: Margaret! You son-of-a-bitch!
Mask: Geez I thought you would have a sense of humor. After all - you married her!

What is this shit about your daughter?

Captain Diel: Two officers were shot, one man lost a pinkie.
Carter: But didn't nobody die!
Captain Diel: You destroyed half a city block!
Carter: That block was already messed up.
Captain Diel: And you lost a lot of evidence!
Carter: We still got a little bit left

Carter: Please tell me you speak English. I'm Detective Carter. Do you speaka any English? DO-YOU-UNDERSTAND-THE-WORDS-THAT-ARE-COMING-OUT-OF-MY-MOUTH?
Carter: I cannot believe this SHIT! First I get a bullshit assignment, now Mr. Rice-a-Roni don't even speak American. C'mon, man, my ride over here. Put your bag in the back.
Carter: PUT-YOUR-BAG-IN-THE-BACK!
Carter: No, no, no, you put your own shit in the back! I'm not a skycap!

Lee: Whassup, my nigga?
Bartender: What did you just say?
Lee: Whassup, my nigga

Carter: This ain't no Democracy.
Lee: Yes it is.
Carter: No it ain't. This is the United States of James Carter. I'm the President, I'm the Emperor, I'm the King. I'm Michael Jackson, you're Tito. I own yo ass.

Lee: You are a civilian. In Hong Kong, *I* am Michael Jackson and *you* are Toto.
James Carter: You mean Tito! Toto is what we ate for dinner last night!

James Carter: Who died, Lee?
Lee: You!
James Carter: Detective Yu?
Lee: Not Yu, you!
James Carter: Who?
Lee: You!
James Carter: Who?
Lee: Do you understand the words that are a-coming out of my mouth?
James Carter: Don't nobody understand the words that are comin' out of your mouth.

James Carter: You know, we could have been a good couple. We could have had something special. But you one crazy-ass bitch!

James Carter: Just tell me how the Triads gonna kill us.
Lee: They will torture us for three days.
James Carter: Okay, I can handle that.
Lee: Then they will cut off our eggrolls.
James Carter: Cut off our eggrolls? Oh hell no! We gotta get out of here! Don't give up!

James Carter: Secret Service Agent James Carter, I like the sound of it. Won't be long before I'm in Washington D.C. protectin' the President.
Lee: We both know you wouldn't take a bullet for someone else.
James Carter: Yeah but they don't know that.

James Carter: What did I just say?
Lee: You told everyone to take out their Samurai swords and shave your butt

Carter: We need to get her to relax.
Lee: Maybe we should put on a dirty movie.
Carter: Lee!
Lee: Only $9.95

Master Yu: May I help you?
Detective James Carter: I'll be asking the questions old man. Who are you?
Master Yu: Yu.
Detective James Carter: No, not me. You.
Master Yu: Yes, I'm Yu.
Detective James Carter: Are you deaf?
Master Yu: No. Yu is blind.
Detective James Carter: I'm not blind. You blind.
Master Yu: That is what I just said.
Detective James Carter: You just said what?
Master Yu: I did not say what, I said Yu.
Detective James Carter: That's what I'm asking you.
Master Yu: And Yu is answering.
Detective James Carter: Shut up!
Detective James Carter: You!
Master Yu: Yes?
Detective James Carter: Not you. Him! What's your name?
Mi: Mi.
Detective James Carter: Yes, you.
Mi: I'm Mi.
Master Yu: He's Mi and I'm Yu.
Detective James Carter: And I'm about to whoop your old ass man because I am sick of playing games!

French Assassin: says something in french
Carter:What the hell is that?
Lee: I think he's speaking French.
Carter:You Asian. Stop humiliating yourself!

Carter: Well, for your information, I'm part Chinese now. That's right, Lee. For the last three years, I have studied the ancient teachings of Buddha, earning two black belts in Wu Shu martial arts, spending every afternoon the Hong Kong Massage parlor. I'm half Chinese, baby!
Lee: If you're half Chinese, I'm half black. I'm your brother and I'm fly. You down with that, Snoopy? That's dope, innit?
Carter: Sorry, Lee. You can't be black. There's a height requirement.

Carter: Sister we appreciate you doing this!
Sister Agnes: My pleasure!
Chief Inspector Lee: Sister Agnes please ask who sent him?
asks in french
French Assassin:speaks french
Sister Agnes: He says your both making a big mistake,that one day youll beg for mercy, he also said...
Lee: What? Oh please sister we have to know.
Carter: There's lives at stake.
Sister Agnes: Well he used the N word
Carter: What? The N word you tell this little mother...
Lee: Carter, shes a nun.
Carter: Sister you tell this piece of S word, that I will personally F word him up.
French Assassin, Sister Agnes: speaks french to assassin
speaks french to sister Agnes
Carter: Did he say negro?
Sister Agnes: He used the N word, but this time he mentioned your grandmother.
Carter: You tell him that his mama's an H.
Lee: Carter I believe whore is spelled with an W.
Carter: Right W, and his sister's a W and his grandmama is a two bit W who makes double cause she got no teeth you tell him I said that.
French Assassin, Sister Agnes: speaks french to assassin
Lee: Did he say it again?
Sister Agnes: No, this time he called this gentleman a word that means cat and another word that rhymes with maggot.
Lee: What? Well you can tell him hes a A.W.
Carter: Ugh, Lee hole is spelled with an H.
Sister Agnes: I have a dictionary upstairs.
Lee: Just call him an asshole!
Sister Agnes: He says you been both marked for death like Han and the girl

Agent 99: Max has no experience, and I don't want him as my partner.
Smart: Well, that is a sucker punch to the gonads.

Smart: I think it's only fair to warn you, this facility is surrounded by a highly trained team of 130 Black Op Snipers.
Siegfried: I don't believe you.
Smart: Would you believe two dozen Delta Force Commandos?
Siegfried: No.
Smart: How about Chuck Norris with a BB gun?

Smart: [to Agent 99] Is that your default setting? Do you just punch people in the face, willy-nilly? Its Tuesday, I'll punch Max in the face. Ooh, a box of kittens, time to punch Max in the face. Oh, I'm having some bread. Time to punch Max in the face

Smart:You know what? I will tell you, I love your country. No more communism, no rules of any kind, really. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from ancient Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I ever had!

Phil: Whose fucking baby is that?
Stu: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?
Alan: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.

Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
Stu: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
Phil:Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot!
Stu: I should go.
Melissa: That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.

Stu:What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers,well then we're shit out of luck

Stu: We're going to be okay. Everything's going to be ok, alright?
Stu: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

Officer Franklin: [to a group of schoolchildren] Ok, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect... Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal
Officer Franklin: ... or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You want to come up here and do some shooting, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here.
Officer Franklin: Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on.
Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.
Officer Franklin: You, pretty boy.
Officer Franklin:Alright. Now, it's real simple. All you got to do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?
Phil: You don't really want to do this.
Officer Franklin: You can do this. Just focus.
Phil: Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this thing through.
Officer Franklin: *Finish him!*
Officer Franklin: Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Giver her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great!
Officer Franklin: Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody want to do some shooting up here? How about you, big man? Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There y'go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.
Officer Franklin: *In the face! In the face!*

Officer Franklin: I see guys like you in here every fuckin' day.
Officer Garden: Every fuckin' day!
Officer Franklin: Yeah let's all go to Vegas and get really fucked up!
Officer Garden: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Officer Franklin: Let's go steal a cop car because it'd be real fuckin' funny!

Phil: Your password is baloney1?
Mr. Chow: Well, used to be just baloney, but now they make you add number.

Stu: We're looking for a little kid.
Samir: Two thousand dollars
Stu: Huh?
Samir: Maybe more, I don't know. How young you want this kid to be?

Phil: Do you ever do anything that doesn't end in a stand-off, Chow?
Mr. Chow: I a international criminal. It always ends like this. I met my wife at one of these things.
Stu: You have a wife?
Mr. Chow: Yeah, we married fifteen years. Whatsa matter, Mr. Chow not good-looking enough for woman?

Alan: So what, are you a doctor?
Teddy: No, not yet, I'm pre-med.
Alan: Ever heard of that guy, Doogie Howser?
Teddy: Yea?
Alan: Well, he turned out to be a gay!
Doug: Alan!
Alan: It's true, I read it in Teen People

Chris Rock: Toss my salad, fool what's that? Well having your salad tossed means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup. I prefer syrup.
Charlie: He's a funny motherfucker!

Jamaal: Lee Harvey, what's the diameter of a chicken egg?
Lee Harvey: 4.08 centimeters.
Jamaal: No, no, what's that in inches?
Lee Harvey: 1.61, man, what the fuck you gettin' at, man?
Jamaal: I got ten bucks saying I can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass without it breaking.
Shonte Jr.: Man, you can't put no chicken egg up his ass, man, look at him, he a tightass.
Jamaal: No, it can be done.
Lee Harvey: Yo. I'll take that bet.

Irene : Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you have planned, OK? I saw your so-called "supplies."
Hank Evans: Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.
Irene: I was talking about the shovel and the lime.

Hank Evans: So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?
Irene P. Waters: Oh, all over.
Hank Evans: Omnipresence. I like that in a woman.

Hank Evans: What are you staring at, fucker? You wanna start me up? Just open the choke and pull the cord, pal. I'm due for a seismic event and you're dancing on the fault line.
Kid's Father:Hey, what is your problem, pal?
Hank Evans: I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid.

Charlie: I turn my back for one moment then you stick it up my ass. Literally!
Irene: For your information, you stuck it in your own ass!

Hank Evans: What the hell are you still doing here?
Charlie: You can't just throw me away, Hank, we're in this together.