Mrs. Sumner: May I take your coat?
Dick: If I can keep my pants.
Dick: So, how many times do I get to vote?
Registrar: One time.
Dick: And it doesn't matter that I'm brilliant?
Registrar: ... No.
Dick: Whats the point of having a democracy, if everybodys going to vote wrong?
Dick: Tommy, this is outrageous. The next time you set off the fire alarm, you'd damn well better start a fire first.
Sally: Come on Dick, let's go! We're going to a psychic.
Dick: You're going to a psychic? Why?
Sally: To help find Harry.
Dick: Harry's missing? Why did'nt anybody tell me?!
Vicky: Uh.. cause you knew?
Dick: I most certainly did not! Let's get going. Where are my car keys?
Tommy: They're in your hand.
Dick: Ah, found them. Now we can go. Let's get moving.. COME ON HARRY!
Sally: Dick Harry's missing?
Dick: WHAT?! MY GOD! Well why are we all just sitting around? We gotta go find Harry!
Vicky: Well we're going to the psychic, for help.
Dick: Good idea, I'll give you a ride. Where are my car keys?
Tommy: Check your hand, Dick!
Dick: Ah, there they are. Let's go. HARRY!
Sally: Dick.. are you okay?
Dick: I'm fine.
Tommy: Wait, you don't think this is some sort of punishment from the Big Giant Head for not sending in the status report?
Dick: (laughing) Oh, please! Did you hear that Harry? Harry? HARRY! GREAT! Harry has run off with my car keys!
Stephen: You have a daughter, I believe?
Hugh: Yeah. Yeah, Henrietta.
Stephen: Did he, did he? I'm sorry to hear that.
Stephen: When is this "birthday" of his?
Stephen: Yes, that's what I said. When's the day?
Stephen: In plain-flavoured English. When ... is ... your ... son's birthday?
Hugh: W ... the day after Tuesday.
Stephen: The day after Tuesday. Doctors are so specific these days, aren't they? And are you expecting him to be a boy or a girl?
Stephen: A glass of water?
Hugh: No, thank you.
Stephen: A cup of water?
Stephen: A plate of water, then?
Hugh: Thank you, no. Just a model aeroplane.
Stephen: A model aeroplane of water?
Hugh: Just the model and I suppose some glue.
Stephen: Oh dear. Glue. So your son is already a drug jockey.
Stephen: Ah. Well let me explain, Tony. But let me first ask whether you notice anything unusual about the office?
Hugh (Tony): The window, of course! The window always used to be slightly further to the left.
Stephen: Not quite, Tony.
Hugh (Tony): Oh. It was a bit of a guess, actually.
Stephen: Oh no, I don’t listen. I just wait until you’ve finished so I can tell you to piss off.
Blackadder: Come on George, with fifty thousand men getting killed a week, who's gonna miss a pigeon!? [shoots the pigeon]
[when Melchett realizes Blackadder shot his pet pigeon, Speckled Jim]
Melchett: Speckly?! AH! YOU SHOT MY SPECKLED JIM!
Darling: You're for it now, Blackadder! Quite frankly, sir, I've suspected this for some time; clearly Captain Blackadder has been ignoring orders with a breathtaking impertinence!
Melchett: I DON'T CARE IF HE'S BEEN ROGERING THE DUKE OF YORK WITH A PRIZE-WINNING LEEK! HE SHOT MY PIGEON!!!
Blackadder: I spy, with my bored little eye... something beginning with "T."
Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea. Then I have a little sausage. Then a egg with some little soldiers.
George: Um... I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with "R."
Blackadder: FOR GOD'S SAKE, BALDRICK! "Army" starts with an "A"! He's talking about something with an "R"! [trills the R]
Baldrick: A motorbike starts with a Rrrrr!
George: Good Lord, you're quite right sir, it says "mine". So, these mushrooms must belong to the man who made the map.
Blackadder: Either that, or we're in the middle of a mine-field.
George: So what do we do if we happen to trot on a mine?
Blackadder: Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.
Mike Donovan: Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord...
Dexter: [Slaps him] Stop, that never helped anybody.
Dexter: I'm thankful for yams.
Arthur Mitchell: Yams?
Dexter: Comfort food. Thank you all for the comfort of your home
Arthur Mitchell: Where no one said they were thankful for me. Did you Jonah? Did you say you were thankful for me Jonah? What was that?
Jonah Mitchell: I did not say I was thankful for you, beacuse I'm not
Sally Mitchell: I am SO thankful for you Arthur
Arthur Mitchell: Shut up cunt!
Basil: Right, well I'll go and have a lie down then. No I won't; I'll go and hit some guests.
Sybil: [on the phone] I know... I know... I know... Oh, I know!
Basil: Then why is she telling you?
Basil: Manuel, go and get me a hammer
Basil: A... hammer
Manuel: Ahhhhh, a hammer sandwich!
Basil: Oh, must we go through this every time? A hammer.
Manuel: You want to see my hamster?
Basil: No, not your hamster. How could I knock a nail in with a hamster? Well... I could try, couldn't I?
Basil: I'll get a hhhammer and hhhit you on the hhhead with it.
Father: Oh dear, I'm bored ... I'd better go and have a bath.
Tony: Oh, but surely he simply shot himself and then hid the gun.
Mrs. Premise: I just spent four hours burying the cat.
Mrs. Conclusion: Four hours to bury a cat?
Mrs. Premise: Yes - it wouldn't keep still.
Mrs. Conclusion: Oh, it wasn't dead, then?
Mrs. Premise: No, no, but it's not at all well, so as we were going to be on the safe side.
Mrs. Conclusion: Quite right, you don't want to come back from Sorrento to a dead cat.
Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.
First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce?
Michael: No, it's Michael.
Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.
Third Bruce: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear?
Janitor: Some hooligan keeps disconnecting the alarm. I told Security to look into it. But no, no, they'd rather catch the guy who's stealing organs from the transplant ward.
Ted: It's my birthday.
Ted: 312 times 481 equals...
Ted: [frustrated] Sir, it's not giving me the answer!
Dr. Kelso: It's a typewriter, you jackass.
Ted: [tie is stuck in typewriter] Oh God, it's got my tie!
[falls to the floor with typewriter]