Roger Murtaugh: Have you ever met anybody you didn't kill?
Martin Riggs: Well, I haven't killed you yet.
Martin Riggs: You want me to drive?
Roger Murtaugh: No, you're supposed to be suicidal, remember? I'LL drive.
Martin Riggs: Hey, look friend, let's just cut the shit. Now we both know why I was transferred. Everybody thinks I'm suicidal, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me; or they think I'm faking to draw a psycho pension, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me. Basically, I'm fucked.
Roger Murtaugh: Guess what?
Martin Riggs: What?
Roger Murtaugh: I don't want to work with you!
Martin Riggs: Hey, don't.
Roger Murtaugh: Ain't got no choice! Looks like we both been fucked!
Martin Riggs: Terrific.
Roger Murtaugh: God hates me. That's what it is.
Martin Riggs: Hate him back; it works for me.
Martin Riggs: Anybody who drives around in this town IS suicidal.
Malone: You wanna know how to get Capone? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago way! And that's how you get Capone. Now do you want to do that? Are you ready to do that? I'm offering you a deal. Do you want this deal?
Capone: A man becomes preeminent, he's expected to have enthusiasms. Enthusiasms, enthusiasms... What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Baseball! A man stands alone at the plate. This is the time for what? For individual achievement. There he stands alone. But in the field, what? Part of a team. Teamwork... Looks, throws, catches, hustles. Part of one big team. Bats himself the live-long day, Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and so on. If his team don't field... what is he? You follow me? No one. Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does he have to say? I'm goin' out there for myself. But... I get nowhere unless the team wins.
Capone: I want you to get this fuck where he breathes! I want you to find this nancy-boy Eliot Ness, I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna PISS ON HIS ASHES!
Adam: What are your qualifications?
Betelgeuse: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?
Phil Gills: Oh my God. What are you watching?
Shoop: New film from the district, "Safe Use Of Power Tools".
Phil Gills: This just came... I don't want to know what's in here, do I?
Shoop: Nope, probably not.
Lone Starr: A million? That's unfair.
Pizza the Hutt: Unfair to payor but not to payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else!
Barf: Or else what?
Pizza the Hutt: Tell him, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Or else pizza is gonna send out for you!
Harold: Hey, it's great to have a new neighbor. Woman lived here before you was nuts. Biggest bitch under the sun. Just a senile old hag really. Wouldn't be surprised if someone just got fed up and offed her. Know what I mean?
Roger: She was my aunt.
Harold: Heart of gold though. Just uh, a saint really. And uh such a beautiful woman, for her age.
Rudy: If you want to be cool, first you pull your headband into the cool position. then you just lean back, put this hand in your pocket and then you wave this hand behind you like you just cut one and your trying to shoo away the stinch.
Michael: We tried to figure where to take you last night, but you kept saying, "Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh did I ever leave Ohio?"
Frankie, the Big Kahuna: That's a damn good question.
Frankie, the Big Kahuna: But what does "we" mean?
Bobby: I think it's the plural form, meaning "more than one." Would you like me to conjugate that for you, Pop? Do you know what "conjugate" means, Dad?
Iceman: You two really are cowboys.
Maverick: What's your problem, Kazanski?
Iceman: You're everyone's problem. That's because every time you go up in the air, you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous.
Maverick: That's right! Ice... man. I am dangerous.
Maverick: I feel the need...
Maverick, Goose: ...the need for speed!
Viper: Good morning, gentlemen, the temperature is 110 degrees.
Wolfman: Holy shit, it's Viper!
Goose: Viper's up here, great... oh shit...
Maverick: Great, he's probably saying, "Holy shit, it's Maverick and Goose."
Goose: Yeah, I'm sure he's saying that.
Stinger: Son, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash.
Lucky Day: In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be the actual El Guapo!
Lt. Bender: GIVE THE BAG TO BOZO, DROP THE GUN, AND PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR.
Earl Mott: Who said that?
Lt. Walters: This could very well be the stupidest person on the face of the earth. Perhaps we should shoot him.
Lt. Bender: IT'S THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.
Earl Mott: Really?
Lt. Bender: NO! WE'RE THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION!
Ken Kessler: Check it out, my man! This is the Dominator X-10. Thirty inches of thigh-slapping, blood-pumping, nuclear brain damage!
Heavy Metal Kid: Bitchin'! Hey, what's it fucking cost?
Ken Kessler: That's the bitchin' part about it! It don't matter! If you can't afford it, FUCKING FINANCE IT!
Ken Kessler: So what if it's as big as a Subaru and costs as much? You'll never have to trade this in! This is gonna be with you for the rest of your life! And when you die, they can BURY you in it!