Employment of Steven Segal's Characters

70   4.9   4.1 

Character Name: Travis Hunter
Job Title: Ex-CIA Agent
1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5
Why? Declassified documents have reveled that there is a technique in the CIA simply know as "Segal". It requires both elbows to be snapped and a full 360 degree of the head. No Lie!

31   3.5   3.9 

Character Name: John Seeger
Job Title: CIA Covert
1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5
Why? Another CIA agent...need I comment any more?

61   4   3.9 

Character Name: Harlan Banks
Job Title: Thief
1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 2
Why? If you are a good enough thief than the ability to snap necks the equivalent of a car crash isn't needed. But in Today You Die Segal uses his ability to keep orphanages open by stealing from drug dealers. The thief with the heart of gold. Only Segal could play this part.

192   6.1   5.7 

Character Name: Gino Felino
Job Title: Cop
1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 3
Why? A must! Good thing that Segal dislikes guns or we may have missed out on him beating up goons with a pool ball. Amazing how this seemingly calm cop could kick so much ass.

Mr. Lays's rating:

42   3.5   3.4 

Character Name: John Sands
Job Title: Air Force Pilot
1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5
Why? Being a pilot is tough enough, but being an Air Force pilot of course none other than Segal-ness is needed...just in case.

225   5.6   5.7 

Character Name: Nico Toscani
Job Title: Cop recurited by the CIA
1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5
Why? Again with this CIA stuff? Steven just put in an application already. I hear that they are hurting for overweight guys, with tight pony tails, and who wisper when they speak. Even at maximum volume.

228   4.7   4 

Character Name: Forrest Taft
Job Title: Envorimental Agent
1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 1
Why? When an oil company doesn't give a shit about poluting the envorment Forrest Taft will make them pay. Just when you thought Taft was one of those flower picking tree hugging guys every joint in your body has been broken.

134   4.3   4.2 

Character Name: Sascha Petrosevitch
Job Title: Car Thief...or is he...
1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5
Why? Being in jail. Nuff said!

142   5   5.1 

Character Name: Jack Cole
Job Title: Mystical Cop
1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 3
Why? Being mystical and all requires some ancient art of combat.

127   4.5   4.6 

Character Name: Jack Taggart
Job Title: Envorimental Protection Agent (EPA)
1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 1
Why? Could his awesomeness really be needed if you are protecting the envorment? Again just when you think he is a paper pusher BAM! Segal snatched your soul right the f**k out of your body and melted your brain without even touching you!

54   3.7   3.8 

Character Name: Billy Ray Lancing
Job Title: Vietnam Veteran
1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5
Why? Never know when you might have to take a trip down to Poland and almost single-handedly stop a human trafficking network b/c your penpal didn't write back.

178   5.6   5.5 

Character Name: John Hatcher
Job Title: DEA Agent
1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5
Why? Bad guys named "Screwface" need to be taken down.

123   5.4   6.1 

Character Name: ?
Job Title: Cock Puncher
1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5
Why? Segal is credited on imdb.com as "Cock Puncher". Damn could he be any more awesome?!

Mr. Lays's rating: