7.8 01. Ken Russell
about Richard Attenborough
"Sir Richard (‘I’m-going-to-attack-the-Establishment-fifty-years-after-it’s-dead’) Attenborough is guilty of caricature, a sense of righteous self-satisfaction, and repetition which all undermine the impact of the film.”
8.6 02. François Truffaut
about Michelangelo Antonioni
“Antonioni is the only important director I have nothing good to say about. He bores me; he’s so solemn and humorless."
7.5 03. D.H. Lawrence
about Herman Melville
"Nobody can be more clownish, more clumsy and sententiously in bad taste, than Herman Melville, even in a great book like ‘Moby Dick’….One wearies of the grand serieux. There’s something false about it. And that’s Melville. Oh dear, when the solemn ass brays! brays! brays!”
7.3 04. Henry James
about Edgar Allan Poe
"An enthusiasm for Poe is the mark of a decidedly primitive stage of reflection.”
8.9 05. Charles Baudelaire
“I grow bored in France, and the main reason is that everybody here resembles Voltaire…the king of nincompoops, the prince of the superficial, the anti-artist, the spokesman of janitresses, the Father Gigone of the editors of Siecle.”
7.5 06. Martin Amis
about Miguel Cervantes
"Reading Don Quixote can be compared to an indefinite visit from your most impossible senior relative, with all his pranks, dirty habits, unstoppable reminiscences, and terrible cronies. When the experience is over, and the old boy checks out at last (on page 846 — the prose wedged tight, with no breaks for dialogue), you will shed tears all right; not tears of relief or regret but tears of pride. You made it, despite all that ‘Don Quixote’ could do.”
8.7 07. Ralph Waldo Emerson
about Jane Austen
"Miss Austen’s novels . . . seem to me vulgar in tone, sterile in artistic invention, imprisoned in the wretched conventions of English society, without genius, wit, or knowledge of the world. Never was life so pinched and narrow. The one problem in the mind of the writer . . . is marriageableness.”
8.6 08. Dylan Thomas
about Rudyard Kipling
"Mr Kipling … stands for everything in this cankered world which I would wish were otherwise.”
8.1 09. Lord George Gordon Byron
about John Keats
“Here are Johnny Keats’ piss-a-bed poetry, and three novels by God knows whom… No more Keats, I entreat: flay him alive; if some of you don’t I must skin him myself: there is no bearing the drivelling idiotism of the Mankin.”
7.5 010. Joseph Conrad
about D.H. Lawrence
"Filth. Nothing but obscenities.”
8.3 011. Gertrude Stein
about Ezra Pound
"A village explainer. Excellent if you were a village, but if you were not, not.”
8.3 012. Vladimir Nabokov
about Ernest Hemingway
“As to Hemingway, I read him for the first time in the early ‘forties, something about bells, balls and bulls, and loathed it."
about Joseph Conrad
"I cannot abide Conrad’s souvenir shop style and bottled ships and shell necklaces of romanticist cliches.”
about Fyodor Dostoevsy
“Dostoevky’s lack of taste, his monotonous dealings with persons suffering with pre-Freudian complexes, the way he has of wallowing in the tragic misadventures of human dignity, all this is difficult to admire.”
8.5 013. Friedrich Nietzsche
about Dante Alighieri
“A hyena that wrote poetry on tombs.”
8.4 014. Robert Louis Stevenson
about Walt Whitman
"…like a large shaggy dog just unchained scouring the beaches of the world and baying at the moon.”
9.1 015. Richey Edwards
about The Levellers
“You could go to any Levellers concert and stand in the middle and shout, ‘Jeremy!’, and 75% of the audience would turn round.”
8 016. Mark E. Smith
“We hate Slowdive more than we hate Hitler.”
about Mumford & Sons
“There was this other group warming up … and they were terrible. I said, ‘Shut them cunts up!’ And they were still warming up, so I threw a bottle at them … I just thought they were a load of retarded Irish folk singers.”
4 017. Sharon Osbourne
"Whose political ass are we going to pull you out of today? Or are you front row at another tragic fashion show?..."
"U2 you are business moguls not musicians anymore. No wonder you have to give your mediocre music away for free cause no one wants to buy it."
"Guys nothing is for free, how much you making? PS, btw you are just a bunch of middle age political groupies...."
6.8 018. Justin Timberlake
about Donald Sterling
"I want to thank everyone on Earth. Everyone on Earth, except...except Donald Sterling. I don't want to."
7.8 019. Kobe Bryant
about Donald Sterling
"I wouldn't play for him."
6.2 020. Jimmy Kimmel
about Jay Leno
"Oh, this is a trick, right? Where you get me to host The Tonight Show and then take it back from me?"
"All you have to take of is cars. We have lives to lead here. You have $800 million for God's sake. Leave our shows alone."
5.7 021. Howard Stern
about Jay Leno
“I’ve never seen anybody who behaves like a robot like this guy. Where’s the emotion? Where’s the humanity?”
7.7 022. Johnny Rotten
about Jay Leno and David Letterman
“I hold both of them in nothing but the most complete and utter contempt. If they were two sides of a coin, I’d toss it in the river.”
6.1 023. Lena Dunham
about Shia LaBeouf's skywritting apology.
"I have always felt, utterly and unchangeably, that only sociopaths hire skywritters."
after getting a tweeted apolgy, from Shia (which oddly enough, was copied from an apology Lena made awhile back)..
"Vaguely recognize Shia LaBeouf's latest twitter apolgy, and realized it was Mine! Touche, Louis Stevens."
6.4 024. Patton Oswalt
about Shia LaBeouf's plagiarism
"If you're going to be that dumb and delusional and boring, when you speak, just go ahesd and plagerize."
6.7 025. Seth Rogen
about Shia LaBeouf's plagiarism.
"This is by far, the most that I've ever been entertained by Shia LaBeouf."
Agent Bert Macklin's rating:
7.7 026. Jim Carrey
about Shia LaBeouf
"Dying is easy, comedy is hard. I believe it was Shia LaBeouf who said that."
5 027. Gilbert Gottfried
about Toronto Mayor Rob Ford:
“I like the fact that he said he did smoke crack but he was in a drunken stupor at the time. In all fairness, he only drinks when he’s on acid. And he only takes acid after he’s strangled a hooker.”
“He said now’s the time to get back to work. I thought, yeah you have to get back to work to buy crack. Crack doesn’t buy itself.”
7.5 028. Matt Damon
about Sarah Palin
"It's like a really bad Disney movie. The hockey mom, you know, 'oh, I'm just a hockey mom'... and she's facing down President Putin... It's totally absurd... it's a really terrifying possibility... I need to know if she really thinks that dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago. I want to know that, I really do. Because she's gonna have the nuclear codes."
7.6 029. Jon Stewart
about Sarah Palin
"She said that small towns, that's the part of the country she really likes going to because that's the pro-America part of the country. You know, I just want to say to her, just very quickly: Fuck you."
"When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa."
about Toronto Mayor Rob Ford:
"Whoa, what, what, whaat, whaaaat?! Somewhere in a basement, through his tears, Anthony Weiner is going‘what the fuck’?”
Agent Bert Macklin's rating:
6.8 030. Jon Bon Jovi
about Justin Bieber being constantly late for concerts, on his latest tour.
"Do it once, you can be forgiven. Do it enough times and shame on you. They won’t have you back. Then it just becomes a cliché. It's really not cool you’re an asshole. Go to fuckin’ work!"
8.5 031. Clint Eastwood
about Barack Obama
“How do you handle promises that you have made when you were running for election, and how do you handle them? I mean, what do you say to people? When somebody doesn’t do the job, you gotta let ’em go,”
6.3 032. Don Rickles
to Ernest Borgnine
"Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?"
8.5 033. George Bernard Shaw
to Winston Churchill
"Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one."
8 034. Winston Churchill
"Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second - if there is one."
2.5 035. Donald Trump
to Larry King
"Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad."
about Rosie O'Donnell
"Well, I always knew that Oprah was smart. Frankly, that was just going to happen. I knew it immediately as soon as they announced it. Rosie fails at everything. She had a variety show that failed.... Somebody else, some moron, will come and hire her again to do something else, and that will fail. At some point, let her rest. Let her go away."
"Rosie O'Donnell has failed again. Her ratings were abysmal and Oprah cancelled her on Friday night. When will media executives learn that Rosie just hasn't got it."
7.3 036. John McEnroe
to a line judge
"You can't see as well as these fucking flowers - and they're fucking plastic."
6.8 037. Bette Midler
about Helen Reddy
"She aught to be arrested for loitering in front of an orchestra."
8.2 038. Howard Hughes
to Robert Mitchum
"You're like a pay toilet, aren't you? You don't give a shit for nothing."
8.7 039. Muhammad Ali
to Joe Frazier
"Joe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife."
7.6 040. Mamie Van Doren
about Warren Beatty
"He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms."
8.6 041. Marlon Brando
about Montgomery Clift
"He acts like he's got a Mixmaster up his ass and doesn't want anyone to know it."
to Val Kilmer
"You're confusing your talents with the size of your paycheck".
8 042. Johnny Carson
about Chevy Chase
"He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner."
about Roseanne Barr
"The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered."
7.1 043. Van Morrison
about The Beatles
"The Beatles were peripheral. If you had more knowledge about music, it didn't really mean anything."
8 044. Joan Crawford
about Judy Garland
"I didn't know her well, but after watching her in action I didn't want to know her well."
9.1 045. Robert Frost
about T.S. Eliot
"T. S. Eliot and I like to play, but I like to play euchre, while he likes to play Eucharist."
4.5 046. Joan Rivers
about Bo Derek
"She turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines."
"Rihanna confessed to Oprah Winfey that she still loves Chris Brown. Idiot! Now it's MY turn to slap her."
7 047. Spike Lee
about Quentin Tarantino
“I’m not against the word, and I use it, but not excessively. And some people speak that way. But, Quentin is infatuated with that word. What does he want to be made — an honorary black man?”
about Tyler Perry
“We got a black president, and we going back to Mantan Moreland and Sleep ‘n’ Eat?”
5.6 048. Tyler Perry
about Spike Lee
“Spike can go straight to hell! You can print that… Spike needs to shut the hell up!”
6.2 049. Charlie Sheen
about Colin Farrell
"I've got three words for him: Am. A. Teur."
about Chuck Lorre, producer of the show, Two and A Half Men
"He's a stupid, stupid little man, and a pussy punk that I 'd never want to be. That's me being polite."
6.2 050. Paul Weller
about Sting and Bono
"I don't like them because their music is rubbish. I don't like how conceited they are and how seriously they take themselves."
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