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British Comedy: Ideal

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Decade: Rating: List Type:
People who added this item 21 Average listal rating (14 ratings) 8.1 IMDB Rating 8.3
Ideal (2005)
Years: 2005-2011
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess
Stars: Johnny Vegas, Graham Duff
Episodes: 53
Episode Average: 7.170*
BEST EPISODES:
The Secret (2008), The Crabs (2007)
*including special
Holy Godiva's rating:
Rate:
Watched Wanted Custom
People who added this item 3 Average listal rating (1 ratings) 7 IMDB Rating 0

SERIES ONE

(2005)
8 episodes
Series Score: 58
Episode Average: 7.25
Perfect 10's: 0
S1E1

THE RAT

Originally broadcast: 11 January 2005
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Moz's girlfriend moves out until he gets rid of a very unwelcome guest, the supplier arrives with stock taken from a dealer two streets away, and a pair of pretty girls manage to get around the rule of 'no cash - no hash'.

"Stop chuckin' letters at me. I'm not Carol Vorderman, am I?"
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S1E2

THE SEDUCTION

Originally broadcast: 18 January 2005
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Moz puzzles his supplier with a desperate phone call about corned beef, PC comes across Nicki's sexy Polaroids while hiding in the bathroom, and a phone call from China leads to a change of heart about going clubbing.

"Now, look. I'm trying to run a business here. If a tinker runs out of pots and pans, then he's just a mad bloke with bells on his feet! D'you see what I'm saying? Listen to me feet!"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S1E3

THE BOYFRIEND

Originally broadcast: 25 January 2005
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Colin reveals that another body has been found with a hand chopped off, the postie tries to get some gear in exchange for mystery parcels, and Nicki returns to the flat demanding to know what went on at Zyklon B.

"No! I believe ya. Alright, look, I'm very supportive of people who want to grow their own, but don't get your busters out."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S1E4

THE AFFAIR

Originally broadcast: 1 February 2005
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Colin pockets the secret Polaroids when he finds them in the bathroom, Nicki puts a smile on PC's face when they get a few minutes alone, and China needs a friend to talk to about her relationship with Cartoon Head.

"Do you know? Dolphins are actually really intelligent animals. It's about time fish go the credit they deserve, innit? I'm thinking of learning to swim meself. Y'know, but... not with dolphins. With armbands."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S1E5

THE BACKPACKER

Originally broadcast: 8 February 2005
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Nicki worries when she discovers that her Polaroids have gone missing, PC lets Moz know that his crab-throwing stalker has been arrested, and a Japanese backpacker is just one of many to get in the way of a sandwich.

"The DJ to the music like the turkey to the gravy,
Techno, techno, techno,
Bisto, Bisto, Bisto."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S1E6

THE PARTY

Originally broadcast: 15 February 2005
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Moz wakes up to some strangely ordinary gifts on his thirtieth birthday, questions are asked about the choice of guests at his surprise party, and Nicki suddenly suggests opening up their relationship for one night only.

"You twat. Am I lookin' at me? Am I talkin' to me?"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S1E7

THE PREGNANCY

Originally broadcast: 22 February 2005
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Nicki has trouble working out who the father is after taking a pregnancy test, Moz is furious when he receives a credit on Silicone Valet's new EP, and Troy moves out of the flat when his wife asks him to move back in.

"What are you gobbin' on about now? Have you had your brain clamped and towed away?"
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S1E8

THE BODY

Originally broadcast: 1 March 2005
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Psycho Paul offers little guidance about how to dispose of a dead Craig, Colin proves to be useful when he turns up with a roll of stolen lino, and Moz curses his awful luck when China offers him the chance of a quickie.

"Nicki's gonna go mental! It's a brand-new couch. We only got it out of the skip last month. Now it's... covered in JFK!"
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8
Rate:
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People who added this item 3 Average listal rating (1 ratings) 7 IMDB Rating 0

SPECIAL

(2005)




SPECIAL

AN IDEAL CHRISTMAS

Originally broadcast: 27 December 2005
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Nicki insists on inviting guests for mince pies and drinks on Boxing day, Moz gets into trouble for not telling his mum about the pregnancy, and Craig's brother asks if he can join Psycho Paul and Cartoon Head's gang.

"Film two words. Police Academy? Police Academy 2?"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6


SERIES TWO

(2006)
8 episodes
Series Score: 60
Episode Average: 7.50
Perfect 10's: 0
S2E1

THE STAG DO

Originally broadcast: 14 March 2006
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Moz takes a shine to a nervous woman who moves into the flat opposite, Nicki makes a list of the stuff she plans to take with her to Sangita's, and Derrick and Yasuko call round to offer their friend the role of best man.

"So that when the kid makes his big entrance, it'll be like on Stars in Their Eyes. He steps out of a cloud of smoke. 'Tonight, Cat, I'm gonna be a baby.'"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E2

THE LANDLORD

Originally broadcast: 21 March 2006
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Moz tried to remember what happened when he wakes up next to Brian, the landlord announces that he'll be visiting for a routine inspection, and Judith agrees to store 210 pairs of trainers dropped off by Psycho Paul.

"I look like a Reservoir Dogs balloon."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E3

THE HYDROPONICS

Originally broadcast: 28 March 2006
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Moz grabs a chance to hug Judith when Cartoon Head gives her a fright, PC turns up with a hydroponics kit confiscated from a scout leader, and strange noises fill the flat following the discovery of dead Craig's glasses.

"If I'd have arrived 10 minutes later, you'd have been supporting her brains out."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E4

THE SÉANCE

Originally broadcast: 4 April 2006
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Mrs. Coneybear insists on performing a séance to investigate the noises, a copper on the trail of Cartoon Head manages to get trapped in the loft, and Brian reveals that the lovely new neighbour has a very dark secret.

"Compatibility issues. She wanted me to stop smoking, I wanted her to stop going on about it. She's a Virgo with Libra rising. I happen to think that astrology is a load of bollocks. She likes watching X-Factor, I'd rather drink tramp's urine."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E5

THE BOSS

Originally broadcast: 11 April 2006
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Moz reassures Judith that he won't tell anyone about her unusual fetish, Cartoon Head gets a bit of a shock when he tries to take Troy off air, and Psycho Paul's boss insists on using the flat for the upcoming kidnap job.

"Oh, yeah? Well, I'm coming over there right now to dump you face to face. Yeah, I can. I can be over there in five minutes. I move like minced lightning, me."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E6

THE GUEST

Originally broadcast: 18 April 2006
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Derrick cuts it mighty fine for his big appointment at the registry office, Moz isn't happy when the kidnap victim turns out to be his landlord, and Judith reveals exactly what made her latest goodies that little bit special.

"I hate squid. I don't eat anything that's got more legs than two and a half chickens."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E7

THE DELIVERY

Originally broadcast: 25 April 2006
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff, Tony Burgess (Additional)
Moz learns that Judith took advantage of him while he was unconscious, PC helps to get the flat cleaned up ahead of the planned drug bust, and Nicki insists on having a home birth when her waters break at the flat.

"Well, yeah, but... Well, kids are like farts, aren't they? You hate other people's and relish your own."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E8

THE MONEY

Originally broadcast: 2 May 2006
Directed by: Dan Zeff
Written by: Graham Duff
Moz struggles to come to terms with not being the father of Nicki's baby, the police are puzzled when all they find is a photograph of Craig's kids, and PC ends up with a knife in him when Stemroach finds him in the flat.

"I've gone total veggie. From now on, the only thing I'm eating are chunks of Linda McCartney."
HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9
Rate:
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People who added this item 2 Average listal rating (1 ratings) 7 IMDB Rating 0

SERIES THREE

(2007)
8 episodes
Series Score: 59
Episode Average: 7.38
Perfect 10's: 1
S3E1

THE NIGHT

Originally broadcast: 22 March 2007
Directed by: Ben Gregor
Written by: Graham Duff
An exhausted Nicki demands peace and quiet when she moves back in, the landlord arrives with two builders to do some work on the flat, and Psycho Paul talks about his ideas when he steps into the porn business.

"Mind you, falling off your roof. It could've been a lot worse, couldn't it? Look what happened to Emu."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E2

THE CHRISTIANS

Originally broadcast: 29 March 2007
Directed by: Ben Gregor
Written by: Graham Duff
Brian listens to concerns about Judith bringing her work home with her, Moz claims to be born again to put the Christian builders off the scent, and Psycho Paul asks to use the flat as a location for his amateur porn.

"Why would folk be dressed like that when they could wear a nice pullover?"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E3

THE PYRAMID

Originally broadcast: 3 April 2007
Directed by: Ben Gregor
Written by: Graham Duff
Sheila arrives with a range of weight loss shakes and a well learnt script, Moz has to deal with a mothers' group when Nicki gets stuck in a crash, and Carmel and China turn up at the door to star in Psycho Paul's porno.

"Yeah? Well, I'm not a fuck dick. I'm a fuck wit. I like to be insulted correctly in me own house."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E4

THE NEST

Originally broadcast: 10 April 2007
Directed by: Ben Gregor
Written by: Graham Duff
Nicki's not too pleased when she finds her husband-to-be with woman, Alan learns the truth about Moz after finding a wasp nest in the loft, and PC turns up at the flat after not hearing a word from China for two days.

"No. Since I met you, I've lost all interest in corpses."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E5

THE BATH

Originally broadcast: 17 April 2007
Directed by: Ben Gregor
Written by: Graham Duff
Moz looks to celebrate his cast coming off by having a nice relaxing bath, PC arrives just in time when Carmel's pimp attacks Colin in the flat, and Jenny needs a friendly ear when Felix dump her for a girl with a lazy eye.

"Yeah, and next week you'll fancy somebody else's ring."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E6

THE SET-UP

Originally broadcast: 24 April 2007
Directed by: Ben Gregor
Written by: Graham Duff
PC threatens to bust Moz unless he agrees to sell a bagful of Es for him, Alan asks God to forgive him for breaking the sixth commandment, and Stemroach issues a warning after the police lead him away from the flat.

"Who are they gonna believe? James Bond or the man with the golden gut?"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E7

THE CRABS

Originally broadcast: 1 May 2007
Directed by: Ben Gregor
Written by: Graham Duff
Derrick and Yasuko turn up with three crabs ready for Moz's stag meal, Kuldip shocks Nicki by asking her to go back to Barcelona with him, and Alan asks God to give him a sign to prove that he's doing the right thing.

"They said I'm not a fit mother... It's hard to keep your figure when you've been pregnant."
HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E8

THE WEDDING

Originally broadcast: 8 May 2007
Directed by: Ben Gregor
Written by: Graham Duff
Moz has second thoughts about the wedding after waking up with Tania, Stevel Knievel struggles to cope with his new position as gang leader, and Judith asks for a sympathy shag when A&E fail to remove the wasp mask.

"After we've made love, you wouldn't devour me, would you?"
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7
Rate:
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People who added this item 2 Average listal rating (1 ratings) 9 IMDB Rating 0

SERIES FOUR

(2008)
8 episodes
Series Score: 74
Episode Average: 9.25
Perfect 10's: 4
S4E1

THE PAINS

Originally broadcast: 28 April 2008
Directed by: Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Graham Duff
Nicki uses a medical emergency as a chance to get reacquainted with PC, Tania reveals what really happened on the night before the wedding, and Moz's dad tries to make up for lost time by selling him a widescreen telly.

"I though you said you'd rung an ambulance... not the Grim Reaper's PR team!"
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E2

THE PAST

Originally broadcast: 5 May 2008
Directed by: Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Graham Duff
Nicki's unimpressed when a stabbing leads to a confession about affairs, Judith can't help asking questions when she sees PC getting dressed, and a smoking ban makes Moz remember when he first moved into the flat.

"She HAS got a nice arse. And I am dead big on arse."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E3

THE VODKA

Originally broadcast: 12 May 2008
Directed by: Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Graham Duff
Colin insists on tagging along with Nicki and Carmel on a girls' night out, Moz finds himself falling for the charms of an extremely drunken visitor, and Judith insists that she and Cartoon Head are in a solid relationship.

"Your eyes look like bullet holes in a raw sausage!"
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E4

THE SECRET

Originally broadcast: 19 May 2008
Directed by: Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Graham Duff
Judith's overjoyed when she finally manages to escape from the mask, Moz tells Jenny that she can't tell anybody about them having an affair, and Keith announces that he has between six and ten months left to live.

"Sounds like she's had YOUR bad bone in her body most of t'time."
HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E5

THE WAR

Originally broadcast: 26 May 2008
Directed by: Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Graham Duff
Lee turns back up damaged after his time living inside the metal thing, Psycho Paul gathers the troops for an attack against the Low Triad, and Brian asks Moz whether it's even acceptable to be sleeping with Jenny.

"You do realise that annual sex means once a year?"
HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E6

THE BIRTHDAY

Originally broadcast: 2 June 2008
Directed by: Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Graham Duff
Nicki suspects an affair when Moz manages to remember her birthday, couplings at the surprise party lead to all kinds of jealous feelings, and Yasuko and her friends try to help when Judith faints in the vestibule.

"Jesus, Nicki! You gi' us less stick when I got drunk and asked your sister gi' us hand job."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E7

THE TELEVISION

Originally broadcast: 9 June 2008
Directed by: Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Graham Duff
Nicki and Moz struggle with the truth about their synchronised cheating, Keith finally comes good on his promise to deliver a widescreen telly, and Psycho Paul's gang arrive at the flat after being jumped by the Low Triad.

"Statistics show suicidal people are 100% more likely to kill themselves."
HOLY GODIVA 5- ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E8

THE FUTURE

Originally broadcast: 16 June 2008
Directed by: Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Graham Duff
Moz is dismissive when Jenny's mum finds death lurking in the tea mugs, Nicki's not happy when her replacement chooses to hide from her, and Steve demands something in return when he's told to kill Chen and Tony.

"I saw 9/11 in a Cup-a-Soup, but no-one-d listen."
HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10
Rate:
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SERIES FIVE

(2009)
6 episodes
Series Score: 42
Episode Average: 7.00
Perfect 10's: 0
S5E1

THE HEALER

Originally broadcast: 11 May 2009
Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Written by: Graham Duff
Moz announces that he's decided to call time on his drug dealing career, a string of visitors insist that they can snap Jenny out of her coma, and Judith has some fun before moving into a new home with Cartoon Head.

"She's in a coma, not a sulk. Do you know who's examined that girl? Psychotherapists, physiotherapists and aromatherapists. Turns out they needn't have bothered. Cos guess who's gonna snap her out of it. A chemical gibbon in a tracksuit!"
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E2

THE TEMPTATION

Originally broadcast: 18 May 2009
Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Written by: Graham Duff
Brian causes Moz to doubt whether he'll be able to resist other women, Judith struggles with urges of her own when she sees Jenny in a coma, and Colin and Carmel pop round to announce that they're getting wed.

"Yeah, you wanna get some coal down ya. I remember when Nicki were pregnant, she loved coal. I couldn't shovel it into her quick enough."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E3

THE RED BAG

Originally broadcast: 25 May 2009
Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Written by: Graham Duff
Moz struggles to come to terms with his big decision to find a proper job, Keith gets a shock when he finds dead Alan sitting with his girlfriend, and Cartoon Head accuses a ginger electrician of messing around with Judith.

"Hey! She's in the room! Isn't she?"
HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E4

THE DOCUMENTARY

Originally broadcast: 1 June 2009
Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Written by: Graham Duff
Jenny can't help worrying when she's told that she needs further tests, Moz reluctantly agrees to become a heroin dealer for the Low Triad, and Paul announces that he is moving into the world of human trafficking.

"Oh, very glamorous! Perhaps I could wear a string of Cumberland sausages as a thong!"
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E5

THE CHANCE

Originally broadcast: 8 June 2009
Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Written by: Graham Duff
Colin and Carmel get ready for the most important day of their lives, PC tries to explain why he left his friend facing up to 15 years in prison, and Psycho Paul announces that two Russian girls are about to be delivered.

"Talk to the handset cos my ears are lookin' somewhere else/"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E6

THE PASSPORTS

Originally broadcast: 15 June 2009
Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Written by: Graham Duff
Jenny realises the horrifying significance of the visions she's been having, Moz decides to let his dad know that he's running away to Portugal, and Psycho Paul gets a nasty shock when the box of girls arrives from Russia.

"What's yer plan, Puff Daddy?"
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7
Rate:
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SERIES SIX

(2010)
8 episodes
Series Score: 53
Episode Average: 6.63
Perfect 10's: 1
S6E1

THE BUSINESS

Originally broadcast: 17 August 2010
Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Written by: Graham Duff
Moz returns to the UK to find that Nicki has started dealing from the flat, Roger Muchmore arrives in Salford in search of his stolen passport, and Jenny panics after realising that she's made a monstrously hairy mistake.

"Well, the main thing is that now we can just get on with being a nice, normal family."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E2

THE AMERICAN

Originally broadcast: 24 August 2010
Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Written by: Graham Duff
Moz reclaims his flat after PC reports that he's no longer a wanted man, Nicki wastes no time when she's told that Fist's old place is available, and a not-so-new neighbour grabs the chance to offer interior design advice.

"Oh, yeah. Of course. You know, some days I forget I've got a memory."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E3

THE KILL

Originally broadcast: 31 August 2010
Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Written by: Graham Duff
Brian offers Moz the chance to make some money from using his tongue, Psycho Paul shows what happens when things go where they shouldn't, and Judith asks Cartoon Head to meet her at Fist's old place for a natter.

"So, do you deal in a range of organs or is it members only?"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E4

THE POSTER

Originally broadcast: 7 September 2010
Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Written by: Graham Duff
Jenny misses a chance to make a fortune from an advertising campaign, Moz is unhappy when Carmel suggests a new career as a lap dancer, and PC gets an unexpected chance to prove that he's more Morse than Lewis.

"I'm gonna take your sperm, put it in my laptop and play around with it."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E5

THE LAPSE

Originally broadcast: 14 September 2010
Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Written by: Graham Duff
Jenny confesses to looking elsewhere for comfort after being 'dumped', Keith and Troy pull off the warehouse job despite lookout problems, and testing a legal high with Tilly leaves Moz struggling to produce the goods.

"Why is it some days all the folk you see out t'street are so ugly? I've been walking in a winter munterland."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E6

THE ACCIDENT

Originally broadcast: 21 September 2010
Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Written by: Graham Duff
Moz tells Brian how he revisited old territory after a big row with Jenny, Yasuko explains to Nicki how she came to be pregnant with Fist's baby, and the Low Triad decide to kidnap Keith for interfering with their meat.

"Oh, please don't tell me you've killed Keith. We were going to Morecambe on Sunday."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E7

THE EAR

Originally broadcast: 28 September 2010
Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Written by: Graham Duff
Psycho Paul insists on making money from Steve's unfortunate accident, Moz asks Silicone Valets to lend him £20,000 so he can pay the ransom, and Keith tries to cash in on a bad situation by selling a hedge trimmer.

"It's only been out of the box once, and that was me taking it out to see if it was in there. And then I put it back in."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E8

THE HOUSEWARMING

Originally broadcast: 5 October 2010
Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Written by: Graham Duff
Judith and Cartoon head pop round to show off their little Plastic Face, Brian suggests that Tilly might be able to help with the ransom money, and Moz realises where the Triads have been holding his dad all along.

"Great. It's the ultimate part-work. Builds up week by week into a complete dad. Part one comes with a free ear!"
HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10
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SERIES SEVEN

(2011)
6 episodes
Series Score: 28
Episode Average: 4.67
Perfect 10's: 0
S7E1

THE POLICE

Originally broadcast: 26 May 2011
Directed by: Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Graham Duff
Keith tells Carol that he's using a univeristy lab mouse to grow a new ear, Moz gets a shock when Jenny turns up at the door in PCSO uniform, and Tania phones Rainbow when Psycho Paul gets stabbed by the Red Mist.

"If you really love me, how come you're shouting at me? Is it cos you're a mis-sausage-ist?"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S7E2

THE DEBTORS

Originally broadcast: 2 June 2011
Directed by: Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Graham Duff
Moz tries to call in a few debts when his savings finally hit rock bottom, Nicki persuades Psycho Paul's gang to fight back against the Red Mist, and Cartoon Head wastes no time in setting his sights on Nicki's sister.

"So... I arrested him for vagrancy. And then, when he were questioned, down at the station, turned out he were a big bag o' washing."
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S7E3

THE BROTHEL

Originally broadcast: 9 June 2011
Directed by: Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Graham Duff
Moz struggles with the new competition when he goes back to dealing, Judith reveals that Cartoon Head has confessed to having an affair, and Carmel goes into business across the hall when Keith and Carol move on.

"Oh, in sex, forward planning is everything. He who travels without Vaseline is cruising for a bruising."
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S7E4

THE PAINTINGS

Originally broadcast: 16 June 2011
Directed by: Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Graham Duff
Nicki decides to join forces with the Low Triad to deal with the Red Mist, PC receives a not-so-friendly warning after seeing Tilly for the first time, and Moz makes use of Sanjeev's paintings after a surprising confession.

"You're just one big talking testicle, aren't ya?"
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S7E5

THE LOVE

Originally broadcast: 23 June 2011
Directed by: Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Graham Duff
PC announces that the police will be visiting Nicki at the end of the week, Moz fails to convince anyone that he's romantically involved with Tilly, and a desperate Colin splashes out to get some alone time with his wife.

"Did you know bacon's the motherfucker of all foods?"
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S7E6

THE RED KING

Originally broadcast: 30 June 2011
Directed by: Ben Gosling Fuller
Written by: Graham Duff
Nicki shocks Jess when she suddenly announces that she's not her sister, Brian comes up with a plan to stop Tilly looking like a complete fool, and Moz receives word from PC that the Red Mist are about to come for him.

"Stop it! I don't want to hear any more trumping!"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6
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Moz

MOZ

Played by Johnny Vegas
53 episodes (2005-2011)
in... The Backpacker (S1E5)

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BRIAN

Played by Graham Duff
50 episodes (2005-2011)
in... The Landlord (S2E2)

BRIAN'S SCRUMMIES
MATT
Played by Kris Mochrie
in... The Rat (S1E1)
LINDEN
Played by David Ononokpono
in... The Seduction (S1E2)
LINDSAY
Played by Stuart Kelsall
in... The Boyfriend (S1E3)
MALOOK
Played by Chris Lindon
in... The Backpacker (S1E5)
JACKIE
Played by Emma Kearney
in... The Party (S1E6)
OWEN
Played by Ian Hallard
in... The Stag Do (S2E1)
JAMES
Played by Peter Whittington
in... The Hydroponics (S2E3)
LIAM
Played by Michael Hugo
in... The Séance (S2E4)
JIM
Played by Marlon G. Day
in... The Guest (S2E6)
PETER
Played by Karl Lucas
in... The Night (S3E1)
LEON
Played by Alisdair McKee
in... The Christians (S3E2)
EWAN
Played by George Ward
in... The Nest (S3E4)
JEM
Played by Richard Cottier
in... The Past (S4E2)
CASSANDRA
Played by Regina Murtazina
in... The Past (S4E2)
FLYNN
Played by Reece Hampton
in... The Secret (S4E4)
WARREN
Played by Malcolm Boyle
in... The War (S4E5)
CLIVE
Played by Steven Blower
in... The Birthday (S4E6)
BRIAN
Played by Graham Duff
in... The Future (S4E8)
RICH
Played by Jonathan Aris
in... The Healer (S5E1)
DINOS
Played by Sam Fletcher
in... The Temptation (S5E2)
RAVI
Played by Tanveer Ghani
in... The Red Bag (S5E3)
LEWIS
Played by Colin Parry
in... The Documentary (S5E4)
JAMIE
Played by Iain McKee
in... The Chance (S5E5)
NATHANIEL
Played by Sean Locke
in... The Business (S6E1)
BROTHER BEN
Played by ...
in... The Lapse (S6E5)
BLACKBALL
Played by Barry Adamson
in... The Accident (S6E7)
WEIMS
Played by Tom Andrews
in... The Ear (S6E7)
BARRY TWO MOUTHS (with Dream Brian)
Played by Daniel Hayes
in... The Housewarming (S6E8)
HUGH
Played by Daniel Rigby
in... The Love (S7E6)
TONY
Played by Dan Li
in... The Red King (S7E6)
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NICKI

Played by Nicola Reynolds
47 episodes (2005-2011)
in... An Ideal Christmas (SPECIAL)

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CARTOON HEAD

Played by James Foster
5 episodes (2005)
in... The Rat (S1E1)


CARTOON HEAD

Played by David Sant
42 episodes (2005-2011)
in... The Hydroponics (S2E3)

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PC

PC

Played by Tom Goodman-Hill
45 episodes (2005-2011)
in... The Guest (S2E6)

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PSYCHO PAUL

Played by Ryan Pope
43 episodes (2005-2011)
in... An Ideal Christmas (SPECIAL)

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COLIN

Played by Ben Crompton
38 episodes (2005-2011)
in... The Nest (S3E4)

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JUDITH

Played by Joanna Neary
37 episodes (2006-2011)
in... The Money (S2E8)

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JENNY

Played by Sinead Matthews
35 episodes (2005-2011)
in... The Vodka (S4E3)

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STEVE

Played by Seymour Leon Mace
32 episodes (2005-2010)
in... The Landlord (S2E2)

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YASUKO

Played by Haruka Kuroda
26 episodes (2005-2011)
in... The Hydroponics (S2E3)

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DERRICK

Played by Alfie Joey
25 episodes (2005-2011)
in... The Pains (S4E1)

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CARMEL

Played by Hanne Steen
23 episodes (2006-2011)
in... The Chance (S5E5)

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Lee

LEE

Played by Andrew Lee Potts
22 episodes (2005-2011)
in... The Wedding (S3E8)

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KEITH

Played by Mick Miller
21 episodes (2008-2011)
in... The Secret (S4E4)

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TROY

Played by Tony Burgess
19 episodes (2005-2011)
in... The Healer (S5E1)

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TANIA

Played by Emma Fryer
19 episodes (2007-2011)
in... The Secret (S4E4)

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JASON

Played by Tim Fallows
18 episodes (2005-2011)
in... The War (S4E5)

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XAVIER

Played by Michael Kofi
17 episodes (2008-2011)
in... The Documentary (S5E4)

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ALAN

Played by Peter Slater
16 episodes (2007-2009)
in... The Wedding (S3E8)

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CHINA

Played by Natalie Gumede
15 episodes (2005-2007)
in... The Body (S1E8)

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MARCO

Played by Andrew Lawrence
15 episodes (2007-2009)
in... The Healer (S5E1)

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FIST


15 episodes (2008-2011)
in... The Future (S4E8)

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CAROL

Played by Jo Enright
15 episodes (2009-2011)
in... The Documentary (S5E4)

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KULDIP

Played by Ronny Jhutti
13 episodes (2005-2007)
in... The Money (S2E8)

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RAINBOW

Played by Naomi Bentley
13 episodes (2007-2011)
in... The Chance (S5E5)

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Kim

KIM

Played by Jessica Peh
13 episodes (2007-2011)
in... The Bath (S3E5)

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MIKO

Played by Haruke Abe
13 episodes (2007-2011)
in... The Bath (S3E5)

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TONY

Played by Dan Li
13 episodes (2008-2011)
in... The Ear (S6E7)

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CHEN

Played by Hon Ping Tang
12 episodes (2008-2010)
in... The Birthday (S4E6)

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TILLY

Played by Janeane Garofalo
12 episodes (2010-2011)
in... The Kill (S6E3)

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JAKE

Played by Danny Morgan
10 episodes (2008-2011)
in... The Debtors (S7E2)

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SANGITA

Played by Sunetra Sarker
9 episodes (2005-2008)
in... The Body (S1E8)

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CRAIG

Played by Seymour Leon Mace
8 episodes (2005-2010)
in... The Pregnancy (S1E7)

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FELIX

Played by Des O'Malley
7 episodes (2005-2008)
in... The Delivery (S2E7)

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STEMROACH

Played by David Bradley
6 episodes (2006-2008)
in... The Money (S2E8)

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JESS

Played by Ellinor Crawley
6 episodes (2011)
in... The Paintings (S7E4)

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ASIA

Played by Rebecca Atkinson
5 episodes (2005-2006)
in... The Seduction (S1E2)

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WARREN

Played by Malcolm Boyle
5 episodes (2008-2011)
in... The Housewarming (S6E8)

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SHEILA

Played by Beatrice Kelley
3 episodes (2005-2007)
in... The Wedding (S3E8)

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Part of the
British Comedy Collection
Moz is a small-time weed dealer who sells to a strange collection of the local oddities. From Colin who's on probation to the musical weirdness of Silicone Valets, from Brian and his ever changing boyfriends to China the gorgeous knicker-dropper, from boring allotment lover Derrick to Jenny the dim-witted babysitter... Moz really is the dealer for the pot-smoking freaks of Salford.

SERIES SCORES

Series 1: 7.25
Series 2: 7.50
Series 3: 7.38
Series 4: 9.25
Series 5: 7.00
Series 6: 6.63
Series 7: 4.67

HOLY GODIVA

1. The Secret
(Series 4, Episode 4 - 2008)

2. The Crabs
(Series 3, Episode 7 - 2007)

3. The War
(Series 4, Episode 5 - 2008)

4. The Television
(Series 4, Episode 7 - 2008)

5. The Future
(Series 4, Episode 8 - 2008)

6. The Money
(Series 2, Episode 8 - 2006)

7. The Housewarming
(Series 6, Episode 8 - 2010)

8. The Red Bag
(Series 5, Episode 3 - 2009)

9. The Vodka
(Series 4, Episode 3 - 2008)

10. The Séance
(Series 2, Episode 4 - 2006)

ONION JACK

1. The Secret
(Series 4, Episode 4 - 2008)

2. The Vodka
(Series 4, Episode 3 - 2008)

3. The Past
(Series 4, Episode 2 - 2008)

4. The Crabs
(Series 3, Episode 7 - 2007)

5. The War
(Series 4, Episode 5 - 2008)

6. The Television
(Series 4, Episode 7 - 2008)

7. The Future
(Series 4, Episode 8 - 2008)

8. The Housewarming
(Series 6, Episode 8 - 2010)

9. The Landlord
(Series 2, Episode 2 - 2006)

10. The Séance
(Series 2, Episode 4 - 2006)

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