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British Comedy: Desmond's

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Decade: Rating: List Type:
People who added this item 6 Average listal rating (8 ratings) 6.1 IMDB Rating 7.8
Desmond's (1989)
Years: 1989-1994
Broadcaster: Channel 4
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Trix Worrell, Carol Williams,
Paul McKenzie, Annie Bruce, Laurence Goldbourne,
Joan Hooley, Alrick Riley, Panji Anoff,
Patricia Elcock, Michael Ellis, Paulette Randall
Stars: Norman Beaton, Carmen Munroe
Episodes: 71
Episode Average: 6.000
BEST EPISODES:
A Microwave, Five Men, and a Nappy (1990),
The Peckham Pimpernel (1991)
Onion Jack's rating:
Rate:
Watched Wanted Custom
People who added this item 0 Average listal rating (0 ratings) 0 IMDB Rating 0

SERIES ONE

(1989)
6 episodes
Series Score: 42
Episode Average: 7.00
Perfect 10's: 0
S1E1

FRENCH LESSONS

Originally broadcast: 5 January 1989
Directed by: Mandie Fletcher
Written by: Trix Worrell
Gloria and Louise decide to find themselves a perfect 'Male Order Man', Lee's eyes nearly pop out when he returns from a holiday in Spain, and Desmond protests when Shirley suddenly decides to go back to school.

"I mean, you'd think somebody at Male Order Man would know that black people don't photocopy well, look!"
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S1E2

THE OFFER

Originally broadcast: 12 January 1989
Directed by: Mandie Fletcher
Written by: Trix Worrell
Desmond's given the chance to retire when a rival offers to buy the shop, Shirley suggests applying for a loan after rejecting the idea of selling, and the assistant bank manager has to explain why he hasn't seen his family.

"What is this world coming to when you got to talk to a machine that talks to your son before your son talks to you?"
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S1E3

EXPANSION PLANS

Originally broadcast: 19 January 1989
Directed by: Mandie Fletcher
Written by: Trix Worrell
Desmond struggles to get himself a trolley when he's sent out shopping, Michael insists that taking on a junior stylist will give profits a boost, and Shirley's not happy when she discovers that Sean has got himself a knife.

"Look, this is Desmond's Barbershop. If you want your hair cut, stay. If you want it coiffured, coiff off."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S1E4

HELLO AUNTIE SUSU

Originally broadcast: 26 January 1989
Directed by: Mandie Fletcher
Written by: Trix Worrell
Shirley worries about getting fat ahead of her sister's visit from Jamaica, Porkpie discovers that a record isn't as rare as he was led to believe, and Desmond's not too happy about the new junior caressing his wife's hair.

"We have other big things and they don't."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S1E5

A SURPRISE FOR PORKPIE

Originally broadcast: 2 February 1989
Directed by: Mandie Fletcher
Written by: Trix Worrell
Desmond surprises Shirley when he gets her something for her birthday, Michael uses an attempt to cheer up Porkpie for promotional purposes, and Gloria learns the truth after the main guest storms out of the party.

"Why don't they give you something useful when you retire, like money? Everybody gets a gold watch. You know what I think? I think they give you a gold watch so you remember how precious little time you have before you kick the bucket."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S1E6

SAD NEWS

Originally broadcast: 9 February 1989
Directed by: Mandie Fletcher
Written by: Trix Worrell
Lee's latest line in fashion sees Sean's street cred disappear very quickly, Gloria gets herself dressed-up for a night out with a new councilor, and Desmond has to write a speech when he receives news of friend's death.

"Go and put on a proper skirt before you catch a cold."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8
Rate:
Owned Wanted Custom
People who added this item 0 Average listal rating (0 ratings) 0 IMDB Rating 0

SERIES TWO

(1990)
13 episodes
Series Score: 90
Episode Average: 6.92
Perfect 10's: 0
S2E1

THE TREATMENT

Originally broadcast: 22 January 1990
Directed by: Charlie Hanson
Written by: Trix Worrell
Desmond's offered plenty of advice when he complains of feeling unwell,
Tony and Porkpie look after the shop when he goes to the hospital, and Shirley admits that she has no desire to make the move back to Guyana.

"Don't talk to me like that. Don't you think I'm capable of washing hair? The boy thinks I can't wash hair! I washed my own hair so much, there's nothing left of it!"
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E2

'OLD DE FRONT PAGE

Originally broadcast: 29 January 1990
Directed by: Charlie Hanson
Written by: Trix Worrell
Desmond complains about the noise as the police deal with an incident, Sean helps Gloria and Louise create a jingle for a radio competition, and Beverley makes it an interesting Wednesday by recognising two robbers.

"Can you imagine the sort of kids in that creche? Little hooligans with bomber boots and t-shirts saying, 'Gizza go of your toy or I'll kick you in the Pampers!'"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E3

'OLD DE FRONT PAGE AGAIN

Originally broadcast: 5 February 1990
Directed by: Charlie Hanson
Written by: Trix Worrell
The hostages look for ways to occupy themselves until the siege is over, Sean gets himself on TV when he's sent to deliver the ransom note, and Shirley tells one of the robbers a story about a man who picks coconuts.

"Of all the barbershops in all the towns in all the world, and you gotta walk into mine! Blowdry it again, Shirl!"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E4

VERONICA

Originally broadcast: 12 February 1990
Directed by: Charlie Hanson
Written by: Trix Worrell
Sean complains about everyone treating him like a boy instead of a man, things seem to be changing when an older girl agrees to go out with him, and Lee manages to spoil the evening by giving them a lift to Streatham.

"My son has gone from being a boy to an adult to a man all in five minutes. He gets a little job delivering papers, he grows some fluff on his chin, and his... legs, legs,... and he thinks he's a man."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E5

A MICROWAVE, FIVE MEN AND A NAPPY

Originally broadcast: 19 February 1990
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Trix Worrell
Desmond needs help with the microwave when he's left at home alone, Michael protests when the shop's closed on the busiest day of the week, and a decision to help an evicted woman leaves the men holding a baby.

"The situation is very simple. The man flings she out on she bottom."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E6

REUNION

Originally broadcast: 26 February 1990
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Trix Worrell
Matthew draws up a complex contract when Porkpie asks to borrow £50, Michael finds that he is the only one of his college pals to miss their goal, and Shirley insists that there are far more important things than money.

"Look, basically it says that if you can't pay him back, you owe him two goats and a chicken."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E7

PORKPIES

Originally broadcast: 5 March 1990
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Trix Worrell
Lee asks about everyone's biggest whoppers after Sean admits to lying, Matthew needs to find business partners for his sisters visit from Africa, and Desmond's shocked when he's suddenly becomes a mere employee.

"Just the thought of dentists gives me toothache!"
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E8

FOR LOVE OR MONEY

Originally broadcast: 12 March 1990
Directed by: Charlie Hanson
Written by: Trix Worrell
Michael puts up a poster about a Proud of Peckham music competition, Desmond and Porkpie decide to reform the old band to claim the prize, and Sean's eventually recruited to take over from Sweetsticks on pans.

"Desmond! Let go of me ankle! What are you doing to me ankle, you rude boy!
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E9

STOP THE WORLD, I WANT TO GET OFF

Originally broadcast: 19 March 1990
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Trix Worrell
Michael's informed that his big head even caused problems at his birth, Matthew agrees to act as referee for the annual dominoes competition, and Shirley finds a new friend to talk to when she suddenly goes missing.

"Last year you cut it so short, it looked like me backside!"
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E10

HERE COMES DE SUN

Originally broadcast: 26 March 1990
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Trix Worrell
Desmond complains when Lee tries to sell tickets for a dinner and dance, Porkpie protests about the Channel Tunnel link that will destroy his flat, and a friend tells Gloria to try modelling after she fails her mock exams.

"If God had wanted us to be a part of Europe, he'd have built a tunnel in the first place."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E11

KUNG YOU

Originally broadcast: 2 April 1990
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Trix Worrell
Shirley objects when Desmond tries to put money on Lee's boxing final, Beverley reports of being mugged in the supermarket car park, and the women take over the shop as they learn about the art of self-defence.

"All right, all right, all right, Lee - I know you can box, so box with yourself in the mirror, and leave my shadow alone."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E12

AUNTIE SUSU

Originally broadcast: 9 April 1990
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Trix Worrell
Auntie Susu explains that she's eloped when she turns up unexpectedly, Porkpie's upset when he finds that he's lost out to a much younger man, and Michael's forced to pay for everything after agreeing to be best man.

"I don't want somebody. I want her body."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S2E13

THIRTY YEAR ITCH

Originally broadcast: 16 April 1990
Directed by: Nic Phillips
Written by: Trix Worrell
Michael waits to show off his girlfriend at his parents' anniversary meal, Desmond and Shirley argue after a casual response to a dress question,
and the family try to calm the situation down after a disastrous supper.

"And if you really want to know what I think about that dress... It would look better in a camping shop on a pole with two pegs instead of on you!"
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8
Rate:
Owned Wanted Custom

SERIES THREE

(1991-1992)
13 episodes
Series Score: 95
Episode Average: 7.31
Perfect 10's: 0
S3E1

THE HEADHUNTER

Originally broadcast: 28 October 1991
Directed by: Charlie Hanson
Written by: Carol Williams
Shirley's delighted when she's offered a job in a new Mayfair hair salon, Lee discovers that a business deal with Matthew means helping hippos, and Desmond's left in a good mood after his wife's boss calls him a hunk.

"You said we couldn't give 'em away, I wanted to prove we could."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E2

THE PECKHAM PIMPERNEL

Originally broadcast: 4 November 1991
Directed by: Charlie Hanson
Written by: Trix Worrell
Desmond blames Beverley when he receives a strange poem and parcel,
conducting a seance leads to a series of mysterious telephone calls, and arrows in a rearranged shop point to yet another anonymous message.

"Oh, cheers, Nev. You may make a dick after all."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E3

A DAY IN THE LIFE

Originally broadcast: 11 November 1991
Directed by: Trix Worrell
Written by: Trix Worrell
Porkpie reveals that he's been having strange dreams about vegetables, a TV presenter returns to the shop to do a documentary on black people, and Michael has to step in when a lack of charisma threatens the project.

"Well, the only person who is going to make an idiot of themselves on television is you. I mean, working in a bank with a stupid haircut like that! I mean, I suppose you got it styled by a landscape gardener."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E4

SMOKELESS FUMING

Originally broadcast: 18 November 1991
Directed by: Charlie Hanson
Written by: Trix Worrell
Shirley objects when Desmond suggests reading his son's private diary, delving into the pages reveals an infatuation with a new supply teacher, and the woman visits the shop to talk about the way Sean has changed.

"Percy, keep your ears in one place."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E5

RELATIVE STRANGERS

Originally broadcast: 25 November 1991
Directed by: Charlie Hanson
Written by: Trix Worrell
Porkpie's shocked when his daughter suddenly visits after twenty years, a job to pay a phone bill means Michael has to take her sight-seeing, and fatherly concerns see him arguing with Desmond and Shirley at the shop.

"They're charging me £17 for standing charge. That means I'm paying £17 just to stand and look at it."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E6

VANITY MERCHANTS

Originally broadcast: 2 December 1991
Directed by: Charlie Hanson
Written by: Carol Williams
Gloria and Louise decide to offer a range of beauty treatments for men,
a shortage of money forces them to make the products themselves, and Michael asks to be Mandy's plus-one at a fun & frolics event in Wiltshire.

"Yo, Matthew! Wow, you look like a dehydrated Ninja Turtle!"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E7

THE WAITING GAME

Originally broadcast: 9 December 1991
Directed by: Charlie Hanson
Written by: Trix Worrell
Desmond and Shirley get themselves ready for a night out at the Hilton, a conversation about Gloria's relationship only leads to confusion, and Sean makes a nuisance of himself when Louise does a pregnancy test.

"Look, if you don't leave this room, I'll knee you so hard they'll pop out of each ear."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E8

DRIVING ME CRAZY

Originally broadcast: 16 December 1991
Directed by: Lou Wakefield
Written by: Carol Williams
Desmond's encouraged to have a sixth go at getting his driving licence, Lee swears never again after stupidly agreeing to be his instructor, and Patricia sees Michael with Mandy after a disagreement about a holiday.

"Tell him the truth - that my damn fool son ran into me with his parked car."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E9

DAYDREAMS

Originally broadcast: 6 January 1992
Directed by: Lou Wakefield
Written by: Joan Hooley
Desmond makes it clear that he's not moving until he returns to Guyana, Beverley pops in with leaflets after seeing Shirley at an estate agent, and a wig provides opportunity to listen to a conversation with an old friend.

"No harm in daydreaming. I daydream all day... and most nights as well."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E10

DOBBIN

Originally broadcast: 13 January 1992
Directed by: Lou Wakefield
Written by: Laurence Goldbourne, Paul McKenzie
Shirley blames council cutbacks when a ball comes through the window,
Michael's upset when his mum gives away a toy from his childhood, and Desmond's persuaded to make a speech when a kid is hurt in the street.

"You damn facety! I don't want to catch you playing round here again! And if you fall down and break your legs, don't come running to me!"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E11

THE PRODIGAL

Originally broadcast: 20 January 1992
Directed by: Lou Wakefield
Written by: Annie Bruce
Shirley's delighted when Michael asks if he can come home for four days, Desmond complains about the total lack of privacy in his own home, and Sean forces everyone to watch a tiny TV when he's relegated to the sofa.

"Exactly! So shut your mouth and give the man a shave. His beard is longer now than when he came in."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E12

TOO YOUNG

Originally broadcast: 27 January 1992
Directed by: Lou Wakefield
Written by: Trix Worrell
Patricia advises Desmond to exercise when he struggles to get any sleep, Michael agrees to take Mandy out in exchange for a bit of snooping, and Shirley's far from impressed by the effects of an expensive midlife crisis.

"Be careful you don't split your difference."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S3E13

ROOTS TRADITION

Originally broadcast: 3 February 1992
Directed by: Trix Worrell
Written by: Trix Worrell
Desmond's offered a cash incentive to try out a structural efficiency plan, Louise suggests Matthew when the African history lecturer resigns, and Michael's told that he should embrace his heritage instead of fighting it.

"If Matthew's my brother, I better put myself up for adoption."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7
Rate:
Owned Wanted Custom
THIS ENTRY HAS BEEN USED AS A SERIES DIVIDER ONLY,
AND DOES NOT REFLECT THE CONTENT OF THE DVD

SERIES FOUR

(1992)
13 episodes
Series Score: 79
Episode Average: 6.08
Perfect 10's:
S4E1

ALL THINGS BRIGHT

Originally broadcast: 5 October 1992
Directed by: Trix Worrell
Written by: Trix Worrell
The vicar puts Shirley in charge of a Sunday school trip to Crystal Palace, Desmond has to help out when one of the kids gets onto the wrong bus, and Sean's forced to stay behind to keep watch on a half-cooked chicken.

"What do you know about barberin'? When last you have your hair cut? You dare not take off your hat in case de breeze blow away what little you have left!"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E2

FLATS, LIES AND VIDEOTAPE

Originally broadcast: 12 October 1992
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Paul McKenzie, Laurence Goldbourne
Desmond's furious when Lee tries to set up a You've Been Framed video, Gloria decides to move out after being put in her place by Porkpie, and Shirley's demand for her daughter to apologise first leads to a stalemate.

"Why not? He's been acting the part of a barber dressed worse than that for years."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E3

GROWING PAINS

Originally broadcast: 19 October 1992
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Trix Worrell
Lee starts to ask Shirley about the parents who abandoned him as a kid, Sean struggles to make up his mind about three girls who fancy him, and Mandy tells Michael that his career needs a wife and a second language.

"Yeah, I always said by the time I was 30, I'd find mine. I'm 28 and I don't even know who me father is. Or what he looks like. All I know is that the basket must be bald because my hair is disappearing as quickly..."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E4

LEE'S JOURNEY

Originally broadcast: 26 October 1992
Directed by: Trix Worrell
Written by: Trix Worrell
Sean explains why he got a D for an essay about being black and British, Lee's mum turns up at the shop while he travels to Liverpool to find her, and Porkpie offers to help when Desmond is given good reason to worry.

"Look, don't argue, go upstairs! And you, Michael, go to your room."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E5

CALYPSO

Originally broadcast: 2 November 1992
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Annie Bruce
Beverley shaken up when she sees the devil's ghost walking in the street, stories are told of how a ladies' man vanished after Shirley rejected him,
and Sean tells his dad to write a love song of his own to see off his rival.

"Well, you can't blame her. She was probably trying to escape from Beverley. I mean, I would outrun Lunford Christie just to get away from that woman."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E6

THE KID

Originally broadcast: 9 November 1992
Directed by: Trix Worrell
Written by: Trix Worrell
Desmond promises to behave when a kid from the home comes to stay, Michael is asked to talk to his mother when the family struggle to cope, and the guest complains of being bored when a games night ends early.

"No, but I know what an old Guyanese would say... 'That a whole heap of food!'"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E7

TOO RED EYE

Originally broadcast: 16 November 1992
Directed by: Trix Worrell
Written by: Alrick Riley
An old friend sets up a fund to rebuild the old community hall in Guyana, Sean gets a bit of unwanted attention after a row with his girlfriend, and Desmond organises a raffle to make sure that his name is not forgotten.

"I went out with anybody once. Then I met somebody. Now I've got nobody."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E8

SUSU AGAIN

Originally broadcast: 23 November 1992
Directed by: Trix Worrell
Written by: Trix Worrell
Desmond's unhappy when Auntie Susu announces that she'll be visiting, Michael finds himself forced into a trip to Birmingham to collect her, and Porkpie's delighted when a fancy meal turns into a proposal of marriage.

"Well, she lives in Jamaica, we live in Peckham. She ain't exactly coming for a day trip, is she?"
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E9

CAN'T BUY ME LOVE

Originally broadcast: 30 November 1992
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Annie Bruce
Everybody except Desmond gets an invite for an exclusive new nightclub, Shirley tells a returning house guest that fun is as important as learning, and Michael meets the kind of woman who could be good for his career.

"Have you been OD'ing on the alphabetti spaghetti?"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E10

ART ATTACK

Originally broadcast: 7 December 1992
Directed by: Trix Worrell
Written by: Carol Williams
Shirley insists that it's time to invest in some new furniture for the shop,
Desmond's furious when he sees the size of the latest telephone bill, and Gloria's artist boyfriend suggests a very unusual venue for an exhibition.

"You must admit, Desmond, having a haircut here is hazardous enough, without the added risk of being impaled while awaiting for a blow-dry."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E11

GO WITH THE FLO

Originally broadcast: 14 December 1992
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Carol Williams
Matthew has to hide when his sister arrives to take him home to Africa, Michael helps with the financial paperwork after blowing his cover, and Mandy's delighted when she is personally invited to the farewell party.

"It's all right, Louise, it was a pleasure. I'm sorry I couldn't offer you a cup of tea, but this man threw away my teabag."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E12

MY TWO SONS

Originally broadcast: 21 December 1992
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Paul McKenzie, Laurence Goldbourne
Desmond finds himself with empty chairs during the half-term holidays, Michael fires Mandy when he's tasked with restructuring the branch, and Sean's plan to bring in young customers pushes out the older generation.

"Proves my point exactly. You don't catch me swanning off on maternity leave, do you?"
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S4E13

THE GODMOTHER

Originally broadcast: 28 December 1992
Directed by: Liddy Oldroyd
Written by: Trix Worrell
Patricia suggests babies after dumping her boyfriend to be with Michael, Mandy's delight about talk of wedding bells quickly turns into anger, and Beverley explains why it's not possible for her godson to marry a doctor.

"Desmond's coiffeurs: If your hair needs coiffing, at Desmond's, you loffing."
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5
Rate:
Owned Wanted Custom
THIS ENTRY HAS BEEN USED AS A DIVIDER ONLY,
AND DOES NOT REFLECT THE CONTENT OF THE DVD

SERIES FIVE

(1993)
13 episodes
Series Score: 63
Episode Average: 4.85
Perfect 10's: 0
S5E1

A CLASS ACT

Originally broadcast: 27 September 1993
Directed by: Jan Sargent
Written by: Annie Bruce
Matthew struggles to find a top-of-the-bill for his African charity event, auditions for the role range from recorder playing to Shakespeare, and Michael fears that he was promoted because of positive discrimination.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the fruit of my loins... the ugli fruit."
HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E2

SHIMMER AND SHINE

Originally broadcast: 4 October 1993
Directed by: Jan Sargent
Written by: Joan Hooley
Porkpie starts work in an effort to save up enough money to marry Susu,
Michael prepares to have photographs taken for an in-house magazine, and Lee uses one of them to get him picked for a local hair competition.

"Savings account? Oh, not now, Porkpie, I'm posing."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E3

HALCYON DAZE

Originally broadcast: 11 October 1993
Directed by: David Askey
Written by: Trix Worrell
The family makes a big deal of it as Sean prepares for his first day at uni, Desmond upsets Shirley by saying that women should be paid less, and Spider's disappointed when an essay gets in the way of an important gig.

"Well, he doesn't have time to think about it. He studies gibberish next year. Besides, he's late, go boy."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E4

LOLLIPOP MAN

Originally broadcast: 18 October 1993
Directed by: Jan Sargent
Written by: Alrick Riley
Porkpie invites his friends to watch a professional lollipop man in action, Mandy tries to get Michael into shape ahead of a bank managers' dinner, and Desmond covers a shift at the crossing to prove how easy the job is.

"But she look like a reject from Shaft!"
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E5

PARDNERSHIP!

Originally broadcast: 25 October 1993
Directed by: Jan Sargent
Written by: Paul McKenzie, Laurence Goldbourne
Beverley starts a pardner to help pay for her daughter's fancy wedding, Desmond decides to use his £400 to invest in Lee's next shipment, and things go wrong when the banker loses the money whilst out shopping.

"No, I'll stick to this, thank you very much... one part lager, one part lager and one part lager."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E6

FAIRYTALES

Originally broadcast: 1 November 1993
Directed by: David Askey
Written by: Carol Williams
Gloria decides to make her birthday the start of a new chapter in her life,
realisation that magazines lie leads to protest at a publishing house, and some rather unexpected help arrives when she's paid to write an article.

"I didn't know you had to kill a pineapple before you eat it."
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E7

LOVE MATCH

Originally broadcast: 8 November 1993
Directed by: Iain McLean
Written by: Paul McKenzie, Laurence Goldbourne
Shirley insists on being allowed to meet the new lady in Matthew's life, talk of marrying again leads to a lecture about polygamy in the Gambia, and news of a husband in Nigeria and wanting a baby brings problems.

"Sola, I don't know how you do it. The afters were better than the before and the before better than the before befores!"
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E8

COUGHS AND SNEEZES

Originally broadcast: 15 November 1993
Directed by: Jan Sargent
Written by: Alrick Riley
Shirley tells everybody to pull together when she goes away for a week, the new assistant manager forces Desmond to rest when he gets a cold, and the regulars aren't happy when paying customers take their seats.

"For the moment, you have escaped the conk."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E9

KISS OF THE SPIDERMAN

Originally broadcast: 22 November 1993
Directed by: David Askey
Written by: Panji Anoff
Michael insists that Desmond's needs to appeal to the next generation, Sean makes a mistake when he books Spider to DJ at a university dance, and protesters make their feelings known about a celebrity at the shop.

"Desmond's Barbershop, Beirut!"
HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E10

TWO LADS AND A LADY

Originally broadcast: 29 November 1993
Directed by: David Askey
Written by: Carol Williams
Mandy makes her feelings known about the new woman in Michael's life, Desmond gets a shock when his business insurance doubles in price, and Shirley realises that Lee's girlfriend is seeing somebody behind his back.

"Who's Minnie? Y'know, I can't keep up with all your girlfriends since you been promoted, Michael. And every time you bring a new one home, your parents invite me around for a meal. I've had more hot dinners than you've had steady girlfriends."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E11

SHIRLEY'S SERMON

Originally broadcast: 6 December 1993
Directed by: David Askey
Written by: Joan Hooley
The vicar informs Shirley that the bishop wants her to preach a sermon, Desmond insists that such jobs should only be carried out by men, and Sean makes things worse by suggesting that his mum will get ordained.

"You know, I think there's only one thing left to do about your hair, Vicar... Pray."
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E12

A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH

Originally broadcast: 13 December 1993
Directed by: Iain McLean
Written by: Annie Bruce
Desmond shows a knack for advice after buying some new magazines, Shirley worries about the dangers of running a motorcycle taxi service, and Lee fears the worst when a medical reveals a shadow on his brain.

"Desmond heard that Fat Larry had a better selection of magazines, so he's bought everything from Jamaica Gleaner to Australian Women's Weekly. The closest we ever got to having an Australian in here was a man named Sydney."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S5E13

THE PATTER OF LITTLE FEET

Originally broadcast: 20 December 1993
Directed by: Iain McLean
Written by: Trix Worrell
Desmond's not happy when he catches Alex trying to sneak out at 6am, Shirley tries to point out that their little girl isn't a little girl anymore, and Michael finds that he's still the odd one out when he arranges a reunion.

"Oh, well I'm not sure if I'm free... Let me check my diary... Yes, I'm free, where is it?"
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4


SERIES SIX

(1994)
13 episodes
Series Score: 57
Episode Average: 4.38
Perfect 10's: 0
S6E1

DO ME A FAVOUR

Originally broadcast: 26 September 1994
Directed by: David Askey
Written by: Carol Williams
Michael insists that the shop needs a professional stylist to replace Tony,
Gloria and Alex find that living together isn't as easy as they thought, and Desmond explains that he hired someone unsuitable to return a favour.

"Matthew, of all the barbershops in all the world, why do you have to come and sit in mine?"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E2

HATCHET JOB

Originally broadcast: 3 October 1994
Directed by: David Askey
Written by: Annie Bruce
Gloria reveals that she'll be interviewing Michael for a magazine article, Mandy's reacts badly when she discovers that she's being replaced, and Desmond's furious when he finds out what Porkpie really thinks of him.

"Better that than wandering the halls of macadamia all your life."
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E3

GEORGETOWN DREAMING

Originally broadcast: 10 October 1994
Directed by: David Askey
Written by: Panji Anoff
Sean explains how he and Spider got arrested after getting into a fight, Desmond thinks about how life could have been better in Guyana, and Shirley points out that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

"Y'know, if someone had told me thirty years ago that there was a place outside the Arctic Circle where the sun could disappear for weeks on end, I wouldn't have believed 'em. Much less have imagined I'd have lived there!"
HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E4

DEMON BARBER II: TURBO

Originally broadcast: 17 October 1994
Directed by: David Askey
Written by: Laurence Goldbourne
Sean struggles for money when his student grant doesn't come through, Porkpie's told that his memoirs need a little more drama and colour, and Desmond left fuming after Spider suggests ways to improve a new game.

"Now, I remember my first job in England - packing candles at a factory in Streatham. I worked side by side with this Englishwoman, Josie was her name, right. We did the same job, the same hours. I got paid £2 a week, she got £2, five and six. The company was called Pratt, Pratt and Malloy. I worked for Mr. Malloy. I always thought he should have changed his name."
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E5

LOVE LETTERS

Originally broadcast: 24 October 1994
Directed by: David Askey
Written by: Joan Hooley
Beverley's distraught when she finds love letters written by her husband, Desmond finds himself with little choice but to go and see the man, and Vince protests at the idea of being a guinea pig for Ricky to practice on.

"But this one, this one, this could only have been written in the last year. This is my lavender-scented paper my friend Jasmine give me as a Christmas present. Or was it me jasmine-scented paper my friend Lavender give me."
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E6

PLANNING PERMISSION

Originally broadcast: 31 October 1994
Directed by: David Askey
Written by: Paul McKenzie
Desmond brings in an architect to plan his dream home back in Guyana, Gloria's shocked when Michael invites her and Alex over for dinner, and Shirley reacts badly to news that a huge decision has been made for her.

"All right, keep your hair on! How was I supposed to know it was you? All you bankers sound the same."
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E7

THE SPEECH

Originally broadcast: 7 November 1994
Directed by: Iain McLean
Written by: Paulette Randall
Michael decides to fill in at the shop while Desmond's at a conference, Sean's roped into a decorating job to help Lee impress two women, and
a speech has to be rewritten when Gloria posts the original by mistake.

"Now, how did he begin? Erm... 'Friends, barbers, countrymen. Lend me your shears.' That's it!"
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E8

JUDGEMENT DAY

Originally broadcast: 14 November 1994
Directed by: Iain McLean
Written by: Patricia Elcock
Gloria refuses to spend the day watching the cricket on TV with her dad, a preacher threatens to sue Desmond after a bad haircut ruined his life, and Lee's delighted when Matthew suggests nobbling the man's niece.

"I have stood by Desmond when he had some of the worst haircuts in creation! In the '50s he had a slick-back you could skate on. In the '60s - a middle parting that Moses and all the children of Israel could cross. In the '70s he had sideburns that used to frighten small children! but did you hear me filing for divorce?"
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E9

THE RETURN OF HYACINTH GREEN

Originally broadcast: 21 November 1994
Directed by: Iain McLean
Written by: Paul McKenzie
Shirley's not happy when a marriage-wrecker shows up out of the blue, Michael complains about being sent reverse-charge faxes from Jamaica, and Susu's furious when she learns of another woman in Porkpie's bed.

"I've seen some things in my time, but a Stevie Wonder lollipop man?"
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E10

HEAVY TRAFFIC

Originally broadcast: 28 November 1994
Directed by: Iain McLean
Written by: Annie Bruce
The Ambroses prepare to celebrate thirty-five years of being in England,
Mandy and Ricky volunteer to take over from Shirley in the kitchen, and Lee's gutted when he finds that his dream girl is really a traffic warden.

"Oh, we can beat that. At the last party, we had ten red mullets and one hundred chicken wings all stuffed inside one Porkpie."
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E11

WHEN THE CAT'S AWAY

Originally broadcast: 5 December 1994
Directed by: Iain McLean
Written by: Annie Bruce
Desmond's away from the shop when he agrees to do a business course, Michael calls in help when a wedding party makes a group booking, and Porkpie reveals how the retired barber once tried to steal Shirley away.

"Irving Poole! That's him. Vince said he was a 'Dyam good barber to rock stone.'"
HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E12

SIGN OF THE TIMES

Originally broadcast: 12 December 1994
Directed by: Iain McLean
Written by: Michael Ellis
Desmond's ordered to relax when a machine reveals high stress levels, Lee insists that he's more than capable of installing a new neon sign, and Mandy explains why Michael's worried about her plans for the wedding.

"What about that time he tried to sell me a clock radio? He showed up with a radio in one hand and a clock in the other and a roll of sellotape in his pocket."
HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


S6E13

O LITTLE TOWN OF PECKHAM

Originally broadcast: 19 December 1994
Directed by: Iain McLean
Written by: Carol Williams
Lee hopes that opening a grotto will help him shift an order of bunnies, Porkpie discovers that a boy who uses his crossing is ill in hospital, and Shirley's faced with a quiet Christmas when everyone makes other plans.

"Oh, I wish Porkpie would let Matthew take over for a bit. At least Matthew's ho-ho-ho-ing won't give the kids nightmares."
HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4
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Characters


SHIRLEY
AMBROSE

Played by Carmen Munroe
71 episodes (1989-1994)
in... Stop the World, I Want To Get Off (S2E9)

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AUGUSTUS 'PORKPIE'
NEOPOLITAN CLEVELAND GRANT

Played by Ram John Holder
71 episodes (1989-1994)
in... Reunion (S2E6)
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DESMOND
AMBROSE

Played by Norman Beaton
69 episodes (1989-1994)
in... Thirty Year Itch (S2E13)


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MATTHEW

Played by Gyearbuor Asante
68 episodes (1989-1994)
in... Porkpies (S2E7)

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GLORIA
AMBROSE

Played by Kim Walker
60 episodes (1989-1994)
in... Calypso (S4E5)

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MICHAEL
AMBROSE

Played by Geff Francis
54 episodes (1989-1994)
in... Expansion Plans (S1E3)

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LEE
STANLEY

Played by Robbie Gee
52 episodes (1989-1994)
in... Flats, Lies and Videotape (S4E2)

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SEAN
AMBROSE

Played by Justine Pickett
50 episodes (1989-1994)
in... Veronica (S2E4)

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TONY

Played by Dominic Keating
35 episodes (1989-1993)
in... A Microwave, Five Men and a Nappy (S2E5)

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MANDY
MOSGROVE

Played by Matilda Thorpe
27 episodes (1989-1994)
in... Two Lads and a Lady (S5E10)

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LOUISE
DIXON

Played by Lisa Geoghan
19 episodes (1989-1992)
in... Here Comes De Sun (S2E10)

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VINCE

Played by Count Prince Miller
18 episodes (1989-1994)
in... For Love Or Money (S2E8)

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BEVERLEY
McINTOSH

Played by Joan Ann Maynard
13 episodes (1990-1994)
in... Daydreams (S3E9)

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RICKY
FLAXMAN

Played by Dean Gatiss
12 episodes (1994)
in... Do Me a Favour (S6E1)

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BERT

Played by Sol Raye
10 episodes (1989-1994)
in... Thirty Year Itch (S2E13)

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ALEX
REYNOLDS

Played by Chris Tummings
7 episodes (1992-1994)
in... Do Me a Favour (S6E1)

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SPIDER
WEBB

Played by Robert McKewley
6 episodes (1991-1994)
in... Halcyon Daze (S5E3)

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AUNTIE 'SUSU'
DOREEN

Played by Mona Hammond
4 episodes (1989-1994)
in... Hello Auntie Susu (S1E4)

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PATRICIA
ROBESON

Played by Alphonsia Emmanuel
4 episodes (1990-1992)
in... Driving Me Crazy (S3E8)

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Part of the
British Comedy Collection
From the long warm nights,
With an ocean breeze,
To the damp,
And to the rain of London city.

We come from the sun,
To live in the cold,
I miss me rum,
I want my coconut tree.

Don't scratch my soca,
Till the party's over.
Let's keep the music sweet,
Wind up your waist,
And feel the beat,
Don't scratch my soca.
Desmond Ambrose is a barber who dreams of one day retiring in Guyana. He runs a barbershop in Peckham with his wife, Shirley. The shop is used as a social centre for regulars customers who never actually have their hair cut, and as a home for two of the three Ambrose children, Gloria and Sean. The older son, Michael, is a bank manager who tries to use his expertise to point his father in the right direction.

SERIES SCORES

Series 1: 7.00
Series 2: 6.92
Series 3: 7.31
Series 4: 6.08
Series 5: 4.85
Series 6: 4.38

FAVOURITE EPISODES

HOLY GODIVA
1. A Microwave, Five Men, and a Nappy
(Series 2, Episode 5 - 1990)

2. The Peckham Pimpernel
(Series 3, Episode 2 - 1991)

3. Too Young
(Series 3, Episode 12 - 1992)

4. For Love or Money
(Series 2, Episode 8 - 1990)

5. Calypso
(Series 4, Episode 5 - 1992)

6. Stop the World, I Want to Get Off
(Series 2, Episode 9 - 1990)

7. Thirty Year Itch
(Series 2, Episode 13 - 1990)

8. Relative Strangers
(Series 3, Episode 5 - 1991)

9. The Offer
(Series 1, Episode 2 - 1989)

10. The Prodigal
(Series 3, Episode 11 - 1992)
ONION JACK
1. A Microwave, Five Men, and a Nappy
(Series 2, Episode 5 - 1990)

2. The Peckham Pimpernel
(Series 3, Episode 2 - 1991)

3. Stop the World, I Want to Get Off
(Series 2, Episode 9 - 1990)


4. Thirty Year Itch
(Series 2, Episode 13 - 1990)

5. Smokeless Fuming
(Series 3, Episode 4 - 1991)

6. For Love or Money
(Series 2, Episode 9 - 1990)

7. Sad News
(Series 1, Episode 6 - 1989)

8. Calypso
(Series 4, Episode 5 - 1992)

9. Daydreams
(Series 3, Episode 9 - 1992)

10. Too Young
(Series 3, Episode 12 - 1992)

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