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Added by Nosoki

on 24 Nov 2008 10:28

 
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Barbarian Checklist

Sort by: Showing 37 items
People who added this item 18  Average listal rating (6 ratings) 6.8  IMDB Rating 4.6 
1. Amazons (1986)
This movie has ridiculous fighting scenes with butt-ugly 80's lightning effects. The plot doesn't make any sense and the female lead's acting is so horrible that you'll laugh your ass off. The movie has plenty of naked women and doesn't get boring during its 75-minute length.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 37  Average listal rating (19 ratings) 4.2  IMDB Rating 2.8 
2. Ator, the Fighting Eagle (1982)
The first Ator film is pretty boring for a barbarian movie because there isn't a lot of fighting. The bad guy doesn't seem to be bad at all and Sabrina Siani should get rid of her top. Kudos for the cute trained bear that follows Ator everywhere.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 26  Average listal rating (11 ratings) 4.1  IMDB Rating
3. The Blade Master (1984)
Also known as Ator l'invincibile 2.

A little better than the first part because it has more fighting in it. The bad guy is totally random and adds some camp value to the movie. Still, the movie has too much plot to be entertaining.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 26  Average listal rating (9 ratings) 7  IMDB Rating 2.1 
4. Iron Warrior (1987)
Also known as Ator the Iron Warrior (Ator III)

Best of the Ator series because of its total randomness. Iron Warrior is the bad guy who follows the will of a witch who cannot kill. Ator and a princess escape from them but do a pretty lousy job because every three minutes they are confronted by the evil witch's men. And when they escape them, Iron Warrior appears. This is repeated like 20 times in the movie and it is always hilarious as hell.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 13  Average listal rating (7 ratings) 2.7  IMDB Rating 1.8 
5. The Hobgoblin (1990)
Also known as Quest for the Mighty Sword and Ator III: The Hobgoblin, but is actually the fourth installment in the series.

Just when you start to "like" Miles O'Keeffe as Ator, he is replaced by some man with a plank as his face. Just awful effort in general because it has a PG-rating so that means no violence and no breasts at all.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 57  Average listal rating (27 ratings) 5.7  IMDB Rating 3.7 
6. Barbarian Queen (1985)
Barbarian Queen has a lot of things that an average barbarian movie watcher wants. Lana Clarkson is as good as an object (in case you didn't know that women are objects in barbarian movies) can be, and her breasts are visible very often. The movie has like the funniest rape scene ever recorded and should be watched because of that.

My score is low, because I wasn't into barbarian movies when I watched this, so if I watched this again, the score might rise.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 22  Average listal rating (7 ratings) 7.6  IMDB Rating 3.2 
7. Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back (1990)
The sequel to Barbarian Queen is a good one because it has a lot of female nudity and mud wrestling. The main male character sometimes chills out in 20th century clothing, perhaps because he is a man and he can.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 81  Average listal rating (45 ratings) 7.1  IMDB Rating 4.7 
8. The Barbarians (1987)
The Barbarians is perhaps the greatest that the barbarian genre has to offer. Two brothers trash every place they go to and a great soundtrack gives them the boost they need. You can almost smell the oil dripping from their muscles and see their mullets blowing in the wind while they growl and kill dragons or enemies that look like David Bowie. The movie also has a dragon whose intestines are filled with disco lights.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 148  Average listal rating (100 ratings) 5.9  IMDB Rating 6.1 
9. The Beastmaster (1982)
The Beastmaster looks a lot like a real movie and is way too long to be one of the best in the genre. Marc Singer is ugly as hell and not much of an actor, so he is perfect for his role. The trained animals are a joy to watch and Rip Torn's evil character who tosses babies in fire is great.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 40  Average listal rating (28 ratings) 4.3  IMDB Rating 3.6 
10. Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991)
The sequel to The Beastmaster is pretty stupid even for a barbarian movie but hey, the movie has a villain who travels in time to steal a neutron bomb and destroy the earth. Marc Singer shouts "ASSHOLE!" to bypassers from a car and the main villain has a laser pistol in the barbarian world so it is still quite watchable and fun. The soundtrack consisting of really corny hard rock is great.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 15  Average listal rating (11 ratings) 4.4  IMDB Rating 3.7 
11. Beastmaster III: The Eye of Braxus (1996)
This is a TV movie, so it can't be violent or have tits, because it's planned for a different audience. Beastmaster III is like a prolonged episode of Xena or Hercules, and at some points it's great fun because of that. Too bad that TV movies are rarely good throughout their 90 minute duration, and this gets really boring towards the end.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 1143  Average listal rating (765 ratings) 6.3  IMDB Rating 6.9 
12. Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Conan the Barbarian is the main reason for nearly all of the movies on the list. Great production values, nice special effects and action scenes, an epic plot with an epic running time that seems a lot shorter than it actually is and one of the best soundtracks ever make this a masterpiece in the genre and in general.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 641  Average listal rating (441 ratings) 5.4  IMDB Rating 5.8 
13. Conan the Destroyer (1984)
The sequel is a dumbened down version for the whole family. It tries to be a comedy and fails miserably. Conan the Destroyer is boring for most of the time but some of the action scenes are ok. It gets a lot better near the end.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 371  Average listal rating (239 ratings) 5  IMDB Rating 4.9 
14. Red Sonja (1985)
Red Sonja is quite a borefest with nice production values, some fine action scenes and a good soundtrack by Ennio Morricone. Nielsen is really awful as an actress and the little kid is so goddamn annoying that I'll have to take out half a star from the rating just because of him.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 31  Average listal rating (16 ratings) 5.6  IMDB Rating 5.2 
15. Conquest (1983)
Lucio Fulci's barbarian flick has a lot of incredibly silly things that can be really funny. It has hairy Chewbacca-men tearing young women to pieces, a laser bow and a topless iron masked witch woman as the main baddie. Somehow all this just doesn't add up, because the movie tries to be too stylished in the vein of Dario Argento. This just doesn't fit in a barbarian movie.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 70  Average listal rating (43 ratings) 6.1  IMDB Rating 4.3 
16. Deathstalker (1983)
Deathstalker is one of the best in the genre. It has a pigman, a mud orgy scene and lots of violence and female nudity. Men are real men and women objects to be used so the barbarian aspect is used to its full potential.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 40  Average listal rating (18 ratings) 7.2  IMDB Rating 5.3 
17. Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans (1987)
The sequel is even better than the first one. In the first ten minutes the main character fights ninjas, "takes" a few women, starts a bar brawl, hits a midget an so forth. The movie is mainly a parody of the genre but it still has nearly all of the things you might want to see in a barbarian movie.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 30  Average listal rating (17 ratings) 4.3  IMDB Rating 2.2 
18. Deathstalker III: The Warriors from Hell (1988)
The third installation is by far the worst in the mighty Deathstalker quadrilogy. The main character is played by someone who isn't at all interesting or barbarian-like. The villain isn't a truly bad guy at all and the fight scenes are mainly recycled from the earlier movies.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 27  Average listal rating (13 ratings) 6.2  IMDB Rating 3.2 
19. Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans (1991)
The final Deathstalker film is not hilariously funny all the time, but still pretty greatly done garbage. The lead from the first Deathstalker movie, Rick Hill, returns to the main role and the main female character is a hottie who isn't afraid to show her rack.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 9  Average listal rating (3 ratings) 4.3  IMDB Rating 3.1 
20. Gunan, King of the Barbarians (1982)
Gunan is just an awful movie with Pietro Torrisi's annoying face all over it. The first hour is like a torture chamber with no way out, but luckily for nearly the last 30 minutes Sabrina Siani is topless.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 23  Average listal rating (14 ratings) 5.6  IMDB Rating 5.5 
21. Hawk the Slayer (1980)
Hawk the Slayer is not really a barbarian movie even though it has some elements from the genre. Has really hilarious moments, especially in the fight scenes, and a great and totally insane soundtrack.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 9  Average listal rating (5 ratings) 6.2  IMDB Rating 4.7 
22. Hundra (1983)
The movie is a little too long for me to be excited all the time, but it's still a pretty solid movie with a female lead. It has some hilarious scenes like when Laurene Landon fights a midget and then appears nude on a horse in a lake with no real reason.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 29  Average listal rating (18 ratings) 5.6  IMDB Rating 4.5 
23. Ironmaster (1983)
Ironmaster has an odd hippie cause with barbarians having conversations on how war affects the minds of men. George Eastman is pretty good as the villain and as far as the plot goes, this is one of those barbarian movies that nearly makes any sense.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 84  Average listal rating (57 ratings) 4.9  IMDB Rating 4.8 
24. Kull the Conqueror (1997)
Kull the Conqueror was originally planned to be Conan the Conqueror, but Arnold Schwarzenegger turned the role down. Kevin Sorbo didn't think he could fill Schwarzenegger's boots, so his character was named Kull instead of Conan.

Sorbo plays a crude barbarian, who accidentally becomes the ruler of a wealthy kingdom. A 3000-year-old witch played by Tia Carrere plans to conquer the throne so Sorbo needs to find the means to destroy the fire that burns in her veins. At the same time Sorbo is very disappointed that Carrere is 3000 years old, because "she said she was nineteen". The movie looks and feels like an episode of a cheesy 90s adventure TV-series with some violence.

In one scene the guards start to wonder why it smells weird in the dungeons. One of them says "It stinks in here" and the other one replies "Well it isn't me!" Then Sorbo attacks the guards from behind and says "It's me!" We know that barbarians smell like shit, but man, talk about one-liners!

And on a side note: if you say "Kull's" in the Finnish language, it is "Kullin". Kulli is a rude word for a penis in the Finnish language and it conjugates pretty much the same way as a word as "Kull" so this opens the door for many very sophisticated jokes.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 10  Average listal rating (4 ratings) 5.5  IMDB Rating 3.7 
25. The Norseman (1978)
This is more of a viking movie than a barbarian movie. The Norseman is a really dull film with ultra boring slow-motion battle sequences that have absolutely no choreography. It has some funny moments, like an oil tanker in the background or a norwegian viking that is black. For some reason the main character has a zorro mask in his viking helmet.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 7  Average listal rating (3 ratings) 4.3  IMDB Rating 3.7 
26. The Sword of the Barbarians (1982)
The Sword of the Barbarians is one of the worst in the genre. I just hate Pietro Torrisi's face and you can guess how much it is in the movie. Sabrina Siani could be topless more and the Asian sidekick should have been used in a different movie.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 34  Average listal rating (13 ratings) 6.1  IMDB Rating 4.6 
27. She (1982)
The main character is a barbarian who fights werewolves, post apocalyptic biker gangs and so on. She offers lots of fun, especially in a bridge scene which reminds me of Monty Python.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 18  Average listal rating (4 ratings) 7  IMDB Rating 3.7 
28. Sorceress (1982)
Jack Hill's barbarian "masterpiece" has two female barbarians who don't even know that they are females. They also share each others' feelings and that is exploited in the movie in a really hilarious way. The movie has zombies, manticores, dwarves that aren't really dwarves, and some kind of a satyr that always laughs in a really annoying way.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 64  Average listal rating (45 ratings) 5.6  IMDB Rating 5.7 
29. The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)
Albert Pyun is a director with absolutely no talent so it was a surprise to see that his barbarian movie is a fairly good one. The scenery is pretty good looking and the three-edged sword is a great invention.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 23  Average listal rating (8 ratings) 6.8  IMDB Rating 2.8 
30. Thor the Conqueror (1983)
Thor is the real barbarian. He only growls and uses two or three word sentences like "Thor has female". He takes the women he wants and uses them because they are lower life forms to him. He seeks the "golden seed" of his father, and when he finds it, he shoves it in his pants. The movie is fun from the beginning till the end.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 7  Average listal rating (2 ratings) 4  IMDB Rating 3.3 
31. The Throne of Fire (1983)
Pietro Torrisi's awful face again and no boobs of Sabrina Siani. The only reason I kind of liked it in some parts were pretty awkward Nibelungen references which I didn't expect to see in a barbarian movie.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 19  Average listal rating (9 ratings) 2.9  IMDB Rating 3.6 
32. The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984)
The rude exploitation of Akira Kurosawa's Yojimbo's plot is the best the movie has to offer. Maria Socas is topless for the whole movie and in one scene there is a four-breasted stripper. The fight scenes are clumsy and boring and when the movie tries to be something else than a cheap Yojimbo rip off, it fails miserably.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 13  Average listal rating (5 ratings) 5  IMDB Rating 2.6 
33. Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (1985)
Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is a fantasy movie for children with a white fur ball creature that only shouts "RYYYYYRR". It has no violence, no breasts, not anything. The main character is a child who is really annoying. I wouldn't keep this movie on the list but it has some of the fight scenes from Deathstalker movies and Jack Hill's Sorceress and the cast has some "famous" barbarian movie actors so those are the reasons why this movie and its sequel stay on the list.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 11  Average listal rating (5 ratings) 4.2  IMDB Rating 1.8 
34. Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II (1989)
The sequel is even more horrible than the first part. Its fight scenes are taken mainly from The Warrior and the Sorceress and The Barbarian Queen and perhaps that's why David Carradine and Lana Clarkson are on the movie for a few minutes. Well, at least it's always great to watch Clarkson and Sid Haig's character is quite funny in a really idiotic way, so the movie doesn't get the lowest possible score.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 29  Average listal rating (14 ratings) 6.1  IMDB Rating
35. Yor, the Hunter from the Future (1983)
Yor, the Hunter from the Future is a caveman movie that begins when hairy ape men attack a village. The our main character goes adventuring. He confronts all kinds of enemies on his journeys and treats women as people, which seems odd to the other characters of the film.

For the last 30 minutes, Yor changes into (as the name suggests) a sci-fi film. The change in style is a good thing, because now Yor stays fresh until its end. The theme tune is great and the overall stupidness is as fun as it should be in a barbarian movie.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 466  Average listal rating (289 ratings) 5  IMDB Rating 5.2 
36. Conan the Barbarian (2011)
The re-make of Conan the Barbarian by Marcus Nispel.

Actually I was positively surprised by this, because I thought this would only be complete and utter shit. Jason Momoa is as bad an actor as a barbarian movie needs. Seriously, he looks like he has eaten shit in every scene he is in. Everything in the movie is so retarded that it captures the spirit of the genre pretty well, even though the production values have jumped off the roof and the CGI is butt-ugly. I also liked how everything was explained in the movie by saying that it is magical or in a prophecy. Not a good movie, but it gives more laughs than you'd expect.

Nosoki's rating:

People who added this item 74  Average listal rating (7 ratings) 7.4  IMDB Rating
37. Red Sonja
The re-make of Red Sonja starring Rose McGowan.

Not sure what happened to this. Was it cancelled?


 

If you are having a shortage on loin-cloths, baby oil, muscles, breasts and mullets, this list is what the doctor ordered.

Now complete with pictures!

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Comments

Posted: 1 year, 7 months ago at Sep 17 6:30
Barbarella. I know it takes place in the future, but how about an honorable mention. =D

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