Actors who would play me in a story of my life.

   6.6  

Career-Path: Eternal student
Era: Late-teens
Identical traits: Aryan vibe, inability to grow a proper beard.

Nobody reminds me of myself during the college days more than ol' Baz. The open shirts, the jawline, the speaking in bible scripture, it's all flooding back. As this is the only life era I've actually experienced, you can be sure my casting here is second to none.

Grand Assault's rating:

   6.9  

Career-path: Government Spook
Era: Early-thirties.
Identical traits: Dead pan, sarcasm, monotony, book-smarts.

As Fox Mulder he's always the star of the show. Exuding charisma and raw intelligence, you may ask who he has used as a role-model for such performances. I promised D-squared that I wouldn't tell anyone about our friendship, so you'll have to keep guessing. A man who gets away with offending all those around him because of his raw skill and innate talent is surely a man after my own heart.

Grand Assault's rating:

   6.9  

Career-path: Career criminal
Era: Late-thirties.
Identical traits: Identical hairline, incredulous expression, silent exterior masking a psychotic demeanour.

Ray has always been first choice for my inevitable Hollywood biopic. Who knows what the future will hold? If it all turns sour and a life of crime appeals more than an honest wage, then Liotta would be a perfect addition. I think I've seen enough gangster films by now to know how to survive in the Cosa Nostra. Just don't ever sit in the front seat.

Grand Assault's rating:

   7.8  

Career-path: Scientist
Era: Early-forties
Identical traits: Outlandish hair, dead gaze, pale skin, permanent grimace.

Given I am actually a scientist, Walken is no doubt waiting for the call as we speak. In a little known fact, Tim Burton got the outfit idea for Max Schrek after a drinking session with yours truly. Scientists who are tragically consumed by their work always grab public sympathies. Couple that with natural charisma and you're laughing all the way to the Academy Award.

Grand Assault's rating:

   7.2  

Career-path: General
Era: Early-forties
Identical traits: Integrity, inspires confidence, reluctant leader, reliable.

Who knows, if a war broke out and I couldn't even dodge conscription with my shopping receipt of qualifications, I might be called up to the front lines to lead her majesties finest into battle. If so, Coburn would have to return from the dead and do a sterling job at portraying my faultless, multiple-medal earning war-time career.

Grand Assault's rating:

   7.1  

Career-path: Wandering artist, poet and writer.
Era: Late-forties
Identical traits: Aryan vibe, wordsmith, inspirational.

Undoubtedly my most likely career path given the warm and loving heart I possess. The only man who ever got the better of Harrison Ford could easily fill my shoes.

Grand Assault's rating:

   5.7  

Career-path: Jaded lawman
Era: Early-fifties
Identical traits: Receded hairline, 90% forehead/10% expressions, resentment of all things criminal.

According to all erroneously-coded facial recognition software, my 23-year-old self looks like Pauly. After taking mild offence I learned to embrace the big man and face the fact that even if I don't look like him now, I will look like him one day.

Grand Assault's rating:

   8.7  

Career-path: Statesman
Era: Early-fifties
Identical traits: Reserved, stylish, smooth, debonair.

There comes a time in every man's life when the lure of becoming an inspirational statesman becomes too much to resist. With all the suaveness of James Bond, with none of the lusty perversions or bad scripts, it wouldn't be long before I was leading this country to greatness, with the rest of the world riding my coat-tails to world peace.

Grand Assault's rating:

   7.2  

Career-path: Multi-millionaire banker
Era: Late-fifties
Identical traits: Sunken eyes, stare that can stop a heart, suggestion of possession by a higher being.

The poor-man's Al Pacino is still wealthy enough to play a part in my life. There's no way you become a successful business man by being a fop. If I ever turn out this way it'll be because of my ability to strike the fear of God into my enemies and colleagues. I've already mastered it, luckily so has Gabe, so he gets the job.

Grand Assault's rating:

   7.9  

Career-path: Cuddly Grandad
Era: The winter of my life
Identical traits: Apparently I look like him, grumpy, inquisitive, observant, devout Londoner.

Everyone shed a tear when Inspector Morse died (and his theme tune died with him). Even more people cried when Thaw died in real life. I can only imagine at least double that many people will be weeping when I finally pass. But Thaw will have to do. I'll be remembered as a cuddly granddad and permanently disgusted man of justice.

Grand Assault's rating: